Critics' Corner: Fall Movie Preview

Critics' Corner: Fall Movie Preview

Sep 27, 2010

Jen's so excited about this fall's new movies that she's already thinking about the Oscars. Dave, on the other hand, has something called "a life." Together they compare notes on the biggest upcoming films of the season and tell you what movies to put on your radar.

Dave: I want to tell you that I am not prepared for Fall Movie Season. So I am going to ask you about titles one by one.

Jen: Okay, shoot!

Dave: Jen, please tell me, what is Howl?

Jen: Howl is a Sundance entry starring James Franco, who incidentally is the talk of the town these days; he also stars in the Danny Boyle drama in which he cuts his own arm off. Yum! But Howl is his pretentious Beat poet biopic.

Dave: Oh, the Allen Ginsberg movie.

Jen: Yes, because when we all think Allen Ginsberg, we think James Franco.

Dave: I think of General Hospital and that picture I saw of him sitting across from Marina Abramovic at MOMA this summer.

Jen: He and Joaquin Phoenix should tour the country together with their weird performance art projects.

Dave: Jen, what is Douchebag?

Jen: Douchebag is a word meaning "jerkface who thinks they're all that." Oh, you mean the movie.

Dave: Yes, the movie. I live in Los Angeles just like you, so I know what the word means.

Jen: It's an indie road movie about brothers and a wedding and relationships. So I guess it's every indie film ever made.

Dave: Gross. Jen, what is Let Me In?

Jen: Let Me In is an English-language remake of an amazingly great Swedish film from just a few years ago about a girl vampire and the human boy she befriends, only it's set in America and stars Hit Girl and the kid from The Road. If you ask me, the original, Let the Right One In, didn't need to be remade. The argument is that Americans are put off by subtitles. I say that people who refuse to read subtitles don't deserve movies like Let the Right One In anyway.

Dave: So the "Me" of the title is "the Right One."

Jen: I love little Chloe Moretz, Kodi Smit-McPhee is superb, and Richard Jenkins is the closest Hollywood has to a sure thing when it comes to great acting. And Let Me In also stars the 1980s.

Dave: Jen, what is Secretariat?

Jen: It's a horse movie. It's also a Diane Lane movie.

Dave: AWESOME! On both counts.

Jen: The horse and Diane Lane are friends.

Dave: Does the horse talk? I want the horse to talk.

Jen: Spoiler Alert -- the horse does not talk. But it does win races against all odds and makes Diane Lane a bazillionaire in a society when women weren't supposed to wear pants and be independent and stuff.

Dave: Nice, I'm into it. Is the horse also Jesus like that lion in those other movies?

Jen: Unfortunately, no. It's just a horse.

Dave: Jen, what is Red?


Dave: Jen, what is Life as We Know It?

Jen: Life as We Know It is the next Katherine Heigl movie! And Josh Duhamel in his underpants on the poster! You know, the trailer actually had me interested … until the part where Katherine Heigl gets baby feces on her face, ZOMG ROFL.

Dave: When will KH decide to leave my eyes and ears alone! She’s the lady version of people like Paul Walker and whatshisface Hayden Christensen. I think it would do a lot of film critics good to admit to hating certain actors just on sight.

Jen: I hate Tom Hanks -- at least, from his middle-aged period onward.

Dave: Jen, what is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One in 3-D? Just kidding. That's the one about Jesus being a lion. I know that already. Actually, Jen, what is Love and Other Drugs?

Jen: That's the movie everyone thinks -- at least now, in the Speculative Posturing stage of awards season prognostication -- will nab Anne Hathaway an acting nomination come Oscar time. To other folks, it's the movie where Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal are naked in bed together on the poster. And something about Viagra. Either way, a must see.

Dave: The Little Fockers movie is also about Viagra, I think. I saw the trailer for that and Ben Stiller is doing something to Robert De Niro's boner. That's the only fall movie I'm aware of besides HarryP, the Little Fockers. Oh, and that one with Cher.

Jen: BURLESQUE! Now that's an event movie ... for a certain demographic. A musical about Xtina coming to Hollywood to make it!

Dave: But it's like a big flashy cabaret or something. Where is that in Los Angeles? Do we have those places?

Jen: Don't think too hard about it, Dave. Besides, here's the best piece of trivia about Burlesque, which also stars Kristen Bell and the cute vampire guy from Twilight who isn't Robert Pattinson: It's directed by Steve Antin, who played the douchebag friend in the great '80s teen cult classic The Last American Virgin.

Dave: Oh wait, there's a third movie I know about: The Chronicles of Narnia Part 3. That actual one about the Jesus lion. I like that Jesus lion a lot. Like, a lot a lot. But wait. Yogi Bear. I can't say, Jen, what's Yogi Bear? I will instead ask, Jen, WHY is Yogi Bear?

Jen: UNNNNNH… My guess? It must exist because Dan Akroyd hates us all. But not more than he hates himself. I have a bad feeling that it'll be one of those soul-crushing movie experiences, like *shudder* Furry Vengeance.

Dave: That's it. I want to tell people that there are really amazing movies coming out this fall that aren't in wide release but if you get even 1/3 of a chance to see them then you should get your butt in a seat for: White Material, the new film from my favorite French director, Claire Denis, and Enter the Void.

Jen: Also: Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky's psychological thriller with Natalie Portman losing her mind as a ballerina!

Dave: I like it when people lose their minds.

Jen: Thoughts on The Social Network? Buzz says it's an Oscar contender.

Dave: The Facebook movie? I don't have thoughts. But I do have 1,700 Facebook friends as of today.

Jen: Mark Zuckerberg, the real life billionaire kid who it's about, reportedly refuses to see it, which tells me that it’s something to see. Meanwhile, to jump from social media to stranger danger, there's a new Saw 3-D movie coming out.

Dave: I'm done with Saw. We broke up, me and Saw -- and you know I love to watch people suffer. I'm just over the moralizing. I want my killers not to have jive excuses for murdering people; I want them to just murder for the thrill of it. I just saw this old movie from 1967 called Berserk, about this killer in a traveling circus. When they find out who did it at the end, the murderer yells, "KILL KILL KILL THAT'S ALL I HAVE INSIDE ME!" That's a good killer. I don't need a serial murderer also trying to be my Sunday school teacher.

Jen: Speaking of scary, can Tyler Perry make an Oscar movie? He's got a new flick coming out.

Dave: Why Did I Get Married to Three of These Jerks? Is that it?

Jen: Not exactly; it's For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf. Longest title ever.

Dave: Is Madea in it?

Jen: No.

Dave: I want Madea to ride that Jesus lion. Madea could make a lot of movies better.

Dying to see any, all, or absolutely none of these movies? We want to know. No, really.

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