Who's in It: Jordana Brewster, Taylor Handley, Diora Baird, Matthew Bomer, Lee Tergesen, R. Lee Ermey, Andrew Bryniarski
The Basics: Portrait of a chainsaw massacre-er as a young man. Kind of a how-to movie on becoming your own self-made man. It made me wish that it had begun at Leatherface's 20-year high-school reunion and someone had asked, "So how did you get that nickname anyway? I don't remember us calling you that in school …" And then he would slice them to pieces.
What's the Deal? There's not a single moment of this movie that any self-respecting horror fan hasn't seen before. And it's not scary. But in the absence of originality and fear, there's always my favorite fallback quality: gore. And you get a couple buckets of it. When is watching someone's face being cut off not entertaining? That would be never.
I Had a Difficult Childhood, So I'm Not Really Responsible for My Actions: I hate feeling sorry for the homicidal maniac. I think flashbacks of gross abuse or deprivation — "and that's why I kill" — are pretty tacky. If you're going to give in to destiny, then just do it, is what I say. "But I was born on a slaughterhouse floor to the Lunatic Family." Oh, yeah? Well, boo-hoo. Embrace your heritage.
And Starring R. Lee Ermey as R. Lee Ermey: Here's a guy who has made a nice little career out of being the same person over and over again: the barking crazy person. He's the homicidal uncle in this one, the guy you tell funny stories about at the holidays. Remember that one time when he killed those hippies? Yeah, those were the days.
Possible Sequel Plot Lines: Past lives of Leatherface; Leatherface hops aboard a spaceship and battles Jason X; Leatherface meets Mrs. Leatherface; Leatherface, The Musical.