Who's In It: Kristen Bell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigourney Weaver, Odette Yustman, Victor Garber, Betty White, James Wolk, Kristin Chenoweth, Sean Wing, Kyle Bornheimer, Billy Unger
The Basics: Nerdy, zitty, four-eyed high-schooler Kristen Bell is tormented by A-list mean girl Odette Yustman. Bell grows up to be beautiful and successful and Yustman changes her life and becomes a do-gooder who's also engaged to marry Bell's brother. Yustman also pretends she never met Bell in high school and Bell decides to ruin the wedding. Meanwhile, their mother and aunt--Jamie Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver, respectively, who are both too good for all of this--were also high school rivals, though you spend most of the movie wondering what their beef is because the movie just doesn't bother to tell you. They spend the entire film staring at each other. Betty White shows up every once in a while (front and center in the ads, barely in the finished product) to stand around bewildered by her sudden career resurgence, one that even this limp excuse for comedy probably can't derail.
What's The Deal: This film is stone cold stupid and only deserving of life as an endlessly repeated ABC Family TV movie, so to review it in any real way is beside the point. Instead I'll review 1939's The Women, starring Joan Crawford, Rosalind Russell and Norma Shearer. That one's about women who fight and bicker and backstab and insult each other in a way that is still considered somewhat evil and borderline misogynist. It's also really, really funny. So watch that instead. It's on TCM all the time. Any movie about ladies hating each other should do its best to be as witty and cruel as it was. But this pointless trek to Not Funny chose to be as nice as possible every step of the way. And that just makes no sense.
And Another Thing About The Women: Because it was made in 1939, it was pointedly about how women of that time used their limited power and the fact that that power was in such short supply after resources like youth, beauty and "feminine wiles" were spent. So speed up to 2010 for a movie about women who have external signifiers of power like big careers and their own money and a million more choices about life in general, and all the movie can do is strip them of their wits and ability to speak like adults or move through life without being strung up in trees, covered in mud, dunked in pools, their bones broken or stung by an entire ant colony. It's all you have left to do to characters when you remove their brains.
Just When You Think It Might Turn Fun: The big showdown between Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis comes along and you think, "Nice, Ripley vs. Laurie Strode. It's gonna get real right now." So they throw each other in a pool. And then they splash each other. And that's it. No one tries to push the other one under. No attempted drowning moves. A half-hearted splash fight. Joan Collins and Linda Evans were more violent on old episodes of Dynasty.
Most Disturbing Thing Of All: Daryl Hall and John Oates perform and Oates is now mustache-less.