Dave White
Wild Hogs Review

Dave's Rating:


… so relentlessly stupid and bland and vile …

Who's in It: John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, Marisa Tomei, Ray Liotta

The Basics: It's the gay-panic-a-lympics! Four emasculated, suburban, middle-aged, jerk-wad, wannabe bikers hit the road from the Midwest to California, presumably to "find themselves." Along the way, they encounter a gay police officer who, against all good judgment, finds not just one but all of them wildly attractive (he's got a thing for paunchy, career-coasting, stretchy-faced male movie stars, I suppose). This freaks our men out, naturally.

What's the Deal? I believe in punishment for evil deeds in the afterlife. Call it Hell or Purgatory or the Void or whatever you want, but I'm all for it. And I think they've got themselves something new to play on a continuous loop at their Eternal Damnation 24-screen multiplex. To call this movie not funny is to insult other not-funny movies. Did I recently say Norbit was worthless? I take it all back. Hogs is so relentlessly stupid and bland and vile that I actually found myself wanting to take a big knife and start slashing the theater seats to ribbons. I hear that there's a big meteorite headed to Earth, and it's supposed to hit us sometime in the 2030s and destroy all life on the planet. So what I want them to do is to take this movie and put it in a missile and shoot it up to that rock and blow them both up. There. It felt good to get that off my chest.

The One Thing I Actually Found Amusing: Well, see, Macy's character can't stop touching Travolta for some reason. This fills Travolta's character with disgust. It leads into a scene where they all swim naked, which also makes Travolta's character upset. Isn't it hilarious that an actor who for the last 25 or so years has been tagged as gay by the tabloids would still have the nerve to say a line like, "I'm going skinny-dipping with my 'gay friends,' and if I catch any of you looking at my junk, I'll kill you."

What It's Really About: I think it's supposed to be about how you should love every day of being alive and free. But what's really going on here is a grim little story about the reclamation of lost masculinity by group-fantasizing about demolishing everything you think is to blame. Humorously, of course, for the kids, to teach them that threatening to kill people for looking at you in "that way" is hilarious. You'd think Tim Hardaway had written and directed it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You Academy Award Winner Marisa Tomei: She plays Macy's love interest. I think she lost a bet. Maybe she was doing someone a favor. Maybe she owes some bookies money. Maybe good roles for women really are that hard to come by. Maybe they tricked her with a script that was about something else entirely. I'm just trying to figure it out is all.

When It Comes on Cable Someday and You Don't Have to Pony Up 10 Bucks to Be Repulsed by the Rest of It, Check Out the Following Bit: Kyle Gass of Tenacious D shows up for an approximately 20-second cameo as a karaoke cowboy who sings a Pussycat Dolls song. It felt good to chuckle for a moment in the middle of all the rage.


Comments (0)

Opinions are like... well, everyone's got one. We know you do too, so share it below.

Leave a Comment


Dave's recent reviews

All Dave White's Movie Reviews