Dave White
Whiteout Review

Dave's Rating:

1.0

Where's Rudolph when you need him?

Who's In It: Kate Beckinsale, Tom Skerritt, Gabriel Macht, Columbus Short

The Basics: A killer is running around Antarctica ice-picking people to death. He's not as smart a pick-based terminator as the guy in My Bloody Valentine for a few very important reasons:
1. It's 50 below zero, a much more hostile environment for chasing the pickees. You can't sneak up on anyone because of the crunching snow. You can't run long distances or your lungs turn to liquid nitrogen. You really have to be on your ice-pick-murder game.
2. Limited victim pool. You've got like 50 people to choose from. And they're all in the same building. And they're all scientists. That means they're smart and could think of ways to evade your grasp. Oh wait, one of them is Kate Beckinsale? Then you're okay. Chase her.
3. Parkas. You're not going to even know who you're ice-picking half the time. You could be wrong. What if one of them turns out to be your best pal? Then you've made a big oops. There are no takebacks with ice-pick murdering.

What's The Deal: I think that when you're remaking a really cool graphic novel (also called Whiteout, and you should go get a copy) it's totally okay to run amok over the tone and style and brooding qualities that made it so good in order to be as low-rent and as boring and as focused on Kate B's bent-over ass in panties or tastefully sideboob-flashing body double taking a shower as you can. And that's because nobody but supernerds read graphic novels so ruining them doesn't matter.

Let's Talk More About Parkas: When the WHITEOUT finally happens it comes on like a giant snow monster attacking the science camp and does everyone the favor of hitting right when it's time for a big fight between three people in their big identical coats. It's kind of like what would happen if that little kid in A Christmas Story grew up and battled it out with a similarly be-suited and encumbered Jason Voorhees. Best scene in the movie.

Acting The Kate Beckinsale Way: It helps if you're in cool movies like Cold Comfort Farm or The Last Days of Disco early in your career to establish a tone of charming promise. Then you can realize how hot you are and spend the rest of your time coasting, being distant, speaking in a monotone and starring in crap genre movies that are about nothing, all the while giving a lot of cheekbone and closed-off, low-energy walk-through performances. It's a living.

Extra Points For: People saying stuff like, "He's been shot in the head" when a corpse with a bullet hole in the forehead shows up. Thanks for all the amazing words, Writing!

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