Who's In It: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Chris Riggi, Diedrich Bader
The Basics: This Twilight parody features the following jokes about the following topics: True Blood, sunblock, Tiger Woods, Native American alcoholism and casinos, wheelchairs, Jersey Shore, Dear John, Vampire Diaries, Abercrombie & Fitch, Gossip Girl, The Jonas Brothers, Alice in Wonderland, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, American Idol, Segways, Chris Brown, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, iCarly, 16 and Pregnant, One Tree Hill, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, "It's Raining Men," Lady Gaga and Fox News. And that is the movie.
What's The Deal: The guys responsible for writing and directing this piece of garbage--their names are Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer--were two of the half dozen writers on the first Scary Movie. I liked Scary Movie. Maybe one of them wrote a joke I laughed at in that film. It's impossible to know. But my money is on them not having done that. Because by this point in history, post-Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie and Meet The Spartans, it's not too bold a move to call them the two worst filmmakers alive. I see one of their turd movies coming down the line and I hold my nose and I sit through it and when it's over I feel actual hatred for two people I've never even met. I admit that that feeling is my own personal failing. But everything else is totally their fault.
The Mind-Warping Power Of Films Like This: Watching a movie this pathetic can really mess with your head. First of all you just feel trapped. You could walk out, yes, but you feel compelled, as if by a demonic force or internalized masochism, to sit there and witness how bad it can be. It starts to feel like an endurance test. Like maybe if you can handle the abuse you could handle actual torture someday if you're ever kidnapped by terrorists or some other bad guys. And then you just get depressed and wonder if your ability to detect if something is funny or not is permanently destroyed. What if nothing is ever funny again? What if the movie has obliterated your sense of humor? And then it's over--thankfully it's only about 80 minutes long, even if it feels like 80 days--you leave and go outside into the sunlight and get an ice cream and suddenly everything's okay again.
Feel Sorriest For The Following Character Actors: Dave Foley of Kids in The Hall, David DeLuise, who's normally on Wizards of Waverly Place and Ken Jeong, who's just in everything all the time. As long as the check clears I suppose that work is work. But I can't imagine anyone needing work this badly outside of young up-and-comers who'll pay their dues by taking anything they can get.