Dave's Rating:

0.5

Heart-shaped box of nothing.

Who's In It: Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, Taylor Swift

The Basics: It's February 14th and everyone's in the mood for love. And because director Garry Marshall's entire Rolodex of famous friends is in this movie, telling you what happens to all of them would not only take too long, it would be almost as dull as watching them all take turns acting out the mooning and cheating and longing and smooching. And because it takes place in a blandly multiethnic Los Angeles, it's like what would happen if Crash and Love Actually had a really really stupid baby. If it helps you get a feel for how clueless this whole thing is, one of the female characters moonlights as a euphemism-dispensing PG-13 phone sex operator. Because that's a job anyone's had since Girl 6.

What's The Deal: I was going to say that if you go see this movie you're wasting your money, and that if you take your loved one to see it then you deserve it if they break up with you, and that if you like it then you're an idiot. But since it's very nearly Valentine's Day, I'm too full of love for you readers to lay down that kind of hurtful stuff. And really, it would just give the movie more power than it deserves. Because it's not horrifically bad. It's just boring and brainless and contains exactly one laugh. Unfortunately that laugh takes place over the closing credits on the blooper reel when Julia Roberts talks about how she went shopping on Rodeo Drive once. And if you're going to see the film because of her (or because of any of the stars in the lineup) then you should know that each person gets about 12 non-consecutive minutes of screen time each. So it's not even worth it for the star worship. Go watch My Bloody Valentine instead.

Who's Responsible: Garry Marshall, a man who never met a doggie reaction shot he didn't like.

Two Clever Bits: And they both have to do with Marshall's career high points. The first involves the aforementioned phone sex lady revealing her job to the guy she loves. She does this right outside of Pretty Woman's Beverly Wilshire Hotel. In another scene at an airport there's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it split second shot of two drivers holding up name signs for their passengers at baggage claim. One sign reads "Unger" and the other reads "Madison." Google it.

Hey Gays, Don't Walk Out! This Movie Has Something Brain-Damaged To Offer You Too: What I'm about to say is a bit of a spoiler, but be sure to stick around until the final moments for the big coming-out surprise and what will certainly become a hot trendy way for gay guys to express affection. Leave all that kissing to the straights, fellas, because your new thing is taking an orchid and brushing it gently across your beloved's cheek. Better yet, it'll make test audiences feel good about tolerating your presence. They're delicate creatures, those folks. Don't want them saying, "Eww" or anything.

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