Dave White
Untraceable Review

Dave's Rating:

0.0

… a complete black hole of
suck …

Who's in It: Diane Lane, Billy Burke, Colin Hanks, Joseph Cross, Mary Beth Hurt

The Basics: Apparently, no one learned their lessons from the amazing Sandra Bullock movie The Net. Because the Internet is still crawling with people who want to harm you, and you just keep letting them do it. This time it's a Saw-ish killer who's also so tech-y that he can keep his site's whereabouts a secret to everyone in the world, including the FBI, while getting its visitors to passively participate in the murders. But Diane is about to crack the case!

What's the Deal? All this needed to be a complete black hole of suck was for a ghostly child's voice to sing some sort of kiddie nursery rhyme over the soundtrack from time to time. Did we think the killer wasn't about to target Lane? Did we think her sweet innocent daughter wasn't being watched, too? Did we think that the killer was going to be anything less than a guy with a super-vendetta and a master plan of murdering interlocking people while leaving clues out in plain sight for anyone to notice if they only sniffed around enough? Doesn't anyone just kill random strangers anymore?

And Another Thing: Are all FBI agents whip-smart until the moment when they are not? When a piece of corporate-entertainment product like this one needs to bring an FBI agent face-to-face with the murderer and can't think of any other way to do it, is it just fine to rely on the seemingly common knowledge that at any given moment during a time of crisis and danger the FBI agent in question will simply stop being brilliant and make some bonehead move that will get him possibly hacked to bits?

Wait, One More Thing: Do people who make stuff like this watch the dailies? I wonder how often they sit around the playback thingie and go, "Oh, wow, we're making a movie that people are going to shout angry insults at while they watch it. AND THAT'S AWESOME!" It has to have happened several times while making this one.

The Moral: It's all your fault for wanting to watch people be tortured to death. Shame on you. Now pay for a ticket so you can watch people be tortured to death and so the filmmakers can scold you for it.

Share
RSS RSS

Comments (0)

Opinions are like... well, everyone's got one. We know you do too, so share it below.

Leave a Comment

Advertisement

Dave's recent reviews

All Dave White's Movie Reviews