Who's In It: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
The Basics: In the first two films of this franchise, you learned that vampires and werewolves hate each other and are locked in an eternal battle. This movie tells you why. It's all because vampires are jerks and keep the werewolves enslaved. That is, until Lucian, the biggest baddest werewolf of all, leads a revolt and gets busy with the king vampire's daughter. Then it's on. Oh yeah, and sorry Felicity fans, Scott Speedman's not in this one.
What's The Deal: This is the best Underworld movie. Not that it's very difficult to earn that distinction, since the last two were narratively incoherent, lamely boring pieces of garbage. But this time they've distilled the idiotic blood feud plotlines down to a manageable handful, focused the bad direction on the hammy strengths of both Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy and made the action gorier. You still never really know where you are most of the time since it's all just murky, wet blackness at all times, but at least most of the time you're not wondering why the person you're watching on screen is even in the movie, who they're related to, why they're important, or if it matters when they die.
The Unbearable Dullness Of Digital Everything All The Time: I like the battle sequences a lot. Werewolf wars are, by definition, something I want to see. But it would be nice if they could make this stuff a little less fakey and computer-inserted. You watch it, you can tell what's real and what's not, and you feel no stake in how it's all resolved. Sure, 500 monsters are tearing each other's guts out on screen, but there's still no real mess being made.
Three Reasons Why You Shouldn't Walk Out Of It:
1. Bill Nighy's goofy vaahhmpeeer accent. He's kind of like a snooty gay Count Chocula. Awesome.
2. Bill Nighy's glow-in-the-dark, ice-blue contacts that you can tell are bothering him.
3. Bill Nighy's everything else. He's INTO it in a way that you'd better be if you've signed on to be in a series of movies as useless as this, if for no other reason than to keep yourself entertained.
One More Reason: That annoying Kate Beckinsale's only in it for about 10 seconds.