Dave's Rating:

1.0

… super-useless, padded …

Who's in It: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Bill Nighy, Derek Jacobi, Tony Curran

The Basics: It's the Death Dealers (vampires) against the Lycans (werewolves) again … and this time it's even murkier and less interesting than before. If you can even believe it. One of the OVs (Original Vampires) has been let loose from his prison, and he's after revenge. That means only Selene (Beckinsale) can battle him. Why only her? Because she's got the best hair.

What's the Deal? The first Underworld was a surprise hit for no good reason. It was a boring C-grade fantasy-thriller tarted up in fog and black pleather. But if for some unknowable reason you found yourself enjoying it, HERE'S MORE! Including a super-useless, padded Tolkien back story about how the two tribes came to be so dull. Excuse me, I meant "totally wicked and ferocious warriors."

What's Good About It: The monster fighting, of course. You almost get your money's worth of splatter, but only if you're undemanding and only if you paid the bargain matinee price.

Because, You Know, It Needed to Be Almost Two Full Hours Long: And how do we do that? With slow-motion stuff! That way you can see how rad and dark and wet and slick everything is for a really long time! It makes these the Matrix-iest monsters ever and also assists in your enjoyment of the dorky sex scene between Beckinsale and Speedman. Well, it would assist in your enjoyment of it if it weren't for the fact that Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video is more erotic.

Derek Jacobi Needed to Redecorate His Country Home: And that can be the only reason one of England's most acclaimed actors is in this movie. And as what? Someone who isn't a vampire or a werewolf but who's still immortal and says announcement-y stuff and … uh … oh, I don't know.

Take Your Spouse to Work Day: Becksinale is married to director Len Wiseman. I guess the couple that makes crappy movies together stays together.

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