Grae's Rating:

3.0

I LIKEanthroped it.

Apparently cryogenic freezing ruins latex. That's why the laboratory stripped it off Selene (Kate Beckinsale) when they froze her after the humans rebelled against the ghoulies occupying their planet. So that means that when she wakes up, it's laying there perfectly preserved for her, and she gets to tug it on and begin kicking everyone's butt again. Such is the beginning of the fourth Underworld masterpiece. Usually, I would have a hard time watching the fourth movie in a series like this because my eyes would be stuck rolling skyward, but these movies move me to shadowbox alongside them because they're such dumb fun. If you're already making a face like you smelled something bad, I can assure you that this movie isn't any different from the others, so you should go away or stay accordingly.

None of the three dimensions are safe from the werewolf-on-vampire massacre. Who knew my days of dog walking would come back in such a visceral way while watching werewolf after werewolf get served and land perilously close to my face? Aside from a decent helping of melodramatic twists that I don't want to spoil, that's all you get to see here. I mean, the vampires get bloodied too, especially since the main Lycan is like Cujo v.2 when seen through a magnifying glass, but really, it's not that complicated. In fact, if you've never seen another Underworld pic, you don't need to in order to get up to speed on who-did-what-to-who.

The only thing resembling a plot leads to having to discuss spoilers, and let's face it: that's all the story line has. So suffice to say that you already know Selena was frozen, but she wasn't the only one, and now the Lycans have used her escape as a signal that it's time to stop hiding and start chomping.

I really want my monsters to be ultra-violent, and I am pretty sure that all of the action in alternate-universe Twlight got sucked out by a big vacuum cleaner and deposited into the Underworld receptacle. The movie never stops, and those melodramatic twists I mentioned? They're pretty messed up. So the teenager inside me that gets really psyched over freaky contact lenses and sharp stabby objects feels completely satisfied by this. Some of the film excellence includes: Selene showing us what heart surgeries in the future will look like, and the best use of a chandelier since The Phantom of the Opera. Can't wait for number five hopefully entitled Underworld: Now That Everyone's Awake, Let's Use People's Spines for Suspenders.

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