Dave's Rating:

0.5

Nap time.

While waiting for this movie to start, I saw the teaser trailer for the next Resident Evil movie that comes out this fall. To help you understand how much I already hate the Underworld franchise, a series of films that are constantly daring me to stay awake for their duration, I immediately wished to be whisked off to the future so that I could watch that other movie instead. Because as idiotic and terrible as the Resident Evil series is, at least this new one is going to a) have Michelle Rodriguez back and b) still not be Underworld.

If you were lucky enough not to see the first several dozen Underworld films, Kate Beckinsale gives you a bit of a recap to help you catch up. There are these vampires, see, and they hate werewolves. Also there are these werewolves that hate the vampires. They all hate each other so hard that they can't stop fighting. They did tons of that in the movies that led up to this one and now they're going to do it a lot more -- in the dark and in slow-motion and inside computers and boy is it captivating. Every moment.

Complicating matters this time around is the human element. People have caught on to the formerly secret war going on between the monster species and are now stuck in the middle, bleeding from their guts or being turned into werewolves themselves. One of the non-bleeders is Stephen Rea as an evil doctor who wants to kill Kate Beckinsale. He says stuff to his evil assistants like, "You find her. And you destroy her." We'll never know how many takes it took for him to do that with a straight face.

The rest of the 90 minutes is taken up by Kate Beckinsale walking around in her black latex-y bodysuit and black leather cape-coat or Kate Beckinsale giving "Blue Steel" to the camera or Kate Beckinsale holding two guns and blammo-ing everyone in her way or Kate Beckinsale running sideways on a wall.

It's not all boring though. There's a cool moment when she performs some impromptu heart surgery. There's another one when a giant werewolf that can only be described as a MegaLycan knocks the $#*! out of her.

And then the credits roll and there's an Evanescence song. I listened to that song while I scanned the seemingly endless lists of digital post production houses for names of sad, burned-out friends stuck in front of monitors erasing wires for weeks on end. Those guys are the real casualties of this war. At least I only had to witness it once.

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