Who's In It: Joaquin Phoenix, Gwyneth Paltrow, Vinessa Shaw, Isabella Rossellini
The Basics: A suicidally depressed unemployed guy with no discernible personality, living in one messy room of his parents' apartment, kills time by taking photos of storefronts and by practicing drowning himself in the ocean. Then--because the real-life scenarios here are so close to the bone that it's LIKE A DOCUMENTARY, SERIOUSLY--not one but two foxy ladies can't wait to be his main squeeze. Guys, it can happen to you!
What's The Deal: It's difficult to imagine under what circumstances anyone would enjoy watching this movie. Nothing happens. No one says anything interesting to each other. The characters have no reason to want to be near one another. Everything is gray. Not that I got beef with grayness or misery. I'm all for a good downer experience at the movies, but it helps when you don't feel like you have to fight the impulse to punch every single person on screen in the face. So about halfway through, when Joaquin shouts at Gwyneth, "We shouldn't see each other anymore!" my first thought was, "That's correct. I shouldn't see any more of you jerks either."
Worth TiVo-ing Later For: 2009's best dumbly non-erotic boob-flash moment. For no reason at all, Gwynnie just hauls out her left one while standing in front of her upstairs window that downstairs neighbor Joaquin can see into. The mood? Awkward courtship ritual. Her expression? Boredom. Yours? The same.
And Then, Suddenly, There's This Sort Of Devastatingly True-To-Life Ending: Where everyone gets exactly what they'd get as a final reward, a punch in the gut packed full of authentic consequences that would reverberate for years afterward. But you have to sit through the rest of it to get there. So this is the note on which Joaquin Phoenix wants to finish his film career? Not Johnny Cash? This? Hope that hip-hop career pans out.