Hey, listen. We've all had times when we want to lose ourselves in a world completely unlike our own, so we turn off our brains (except for the part that feeds us soft pretzels; that part stays on) and if we get a charge out of any of it, we feel like we got our money's worth. It’s like getting a massage-- you don't want to talk or think; you just want someone to rub your back while you lay there, right? Watching the Twilight movies is kind of a similar experience. It's pretty sparkly things (literally) and soap opera flash, not rocket science. So, Twilight fans, I just want to say that I think I get it.

Unfortunately, the Twilight series won't be taking place of my yearly massage anytime soon. It's no fun to watch the movies take themselves seriously time after time. Of course these flicks are just about monster-human relationships, which constitutes half of the things moviegoers care about anyway these days. But with the fancy sets, overly dramatic music, and constant lip-biting, I've gotten the impression that these movies think they're too good to take any chances.

It's in the bizarre moments where a silly movie acquires character or fun (e.g. Glitter), and since this movie definitely has the most bizarre plot points out of any of the films, I hoped it might actually be entertaining. Bella's dress matches Edward's face at their wedding, his passion turns their bedroom set into kindling, Bella becomes a pregnant Karen Carpenter, and Jacob goes gaga for an infant. Here’s the problem as big as Taylor Lautner's biceps: that's really all that happens, so they stick a ton of Twilight-esque filler in between those quasi-interesting things. This means that everyone in the ever-growing cast spends a lot of time glowering at each other while the cameras dolly in or out, sometimes wolves run around, and there’s a lot of stomping. This is definitely one of the most boring movies I have ever seen, when it could have been entertaining (if directed by Harmony Korine, for instance).

Back to playing devil's advocate: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 faced a similar challenge by splitting the final book in the series into two movies, although that's where the comparisons end. Therefore I will spend the next year hoping that, like Harry Potter Part 7.2, the final Twilight movie will be packed full of action and pale people engaging in fisticuffs. I just want someone in this movie to do something, and put some John McClane stank on it. No more teenagers uttering supposedly "deep" dialogue. Just bared fangs, red eyes, and lots of punching noises. Just how I like my massages.

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