Who's In It: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Kevin Dunn, Julie White, John Benjamin Hickey, John Turturro
The Basics: Try to escape your destiny as chaperone to space-robots all you like but what's going to happen is that you will find this shard from the cube and the secret information it contains will get absorbed into your mind and the Decepticons will try to destroy you to get it because they want to explode the sun and destroy everything and they'll do their best to kill Optimus Prime in order to achieve their evil ends and Tyrese and Fergie's husband will chase after them with you because they know that the military should be allied with the Autobots and eventually you'll have to obliterate Egypt with your hottie girlfriend. If you don't understand any of what I just wrote then you should just not go to any movies this summer until August when Meryl Streep stars in that movie about Julia Child.
What's The Deal: Michael Bay, anti-genius of movies that make film critics so angry they can't even think straight anymore, is laughing at you. He's laughing at you and your friends and your parents and your country and your ideas about right and wrong and up and down and black and white. No criticism you can throw at him will stick. You might as well argue with a vacuum cleaner. In fact, if you were to try that, Michael Bay would probably find a way to make that vacuum cleaner turn into an Escalade and then into a murderous robot that would drill holes into your skull. Then he'd send more robots over to hump your leg. (FYI, not to be all spoilery but there actually is robot leg-humping in this movie.)
Factors To Consider When Deciding To Buy A Ticket: Your age, your level of desired deafness, your ill-informed antipathy for all things foreign like France and Egypt, your propensity for enjoying movies about giant fighting robots that seem to have been written and directed by those same giant fighting robots, your willingness to overlook strangely racist-seeming Jar Jar Binks-meets-Flava Flav bot characters, any Megan Fox-based needs you might be experiencing, your ability to visually decode motion-sickness-inducing battle scenes, a disassociation from caring about anything related to actual humanity and a knack for approaching all Bay films as though they are the movie equivalent of a crazy homeless person screaming in your face on the sidewalk. I weighed and sorted all these variables and I had a pretty excellent time.
What You Might Think It's About: G.W. Bush-era wartime policies and the need to destroy everything in the Middle East, including all of its people and cultural artifacts. Or you might just not think. I chose the latter because I like to save my thinking moments for when they're really necessary. For example, what will happen on tonight's Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Special? Will Danielle and Teresa start drama? Will Dina confess to being the one who sabotaged Danielle's life? Wouldn't it be great if those ladies turned into giant robots and got all crazy and smashed up the planet? And then if Michael Bay made that movie next?
When To Go To The Bathroom: The second John Turturro starts taking off his clothes. I'd sooner be Eminem with a facefull of Sacha Baron Cohen's scrotum than witness that again.