Grae's Rating:

1.5

This love triangle is obtuse.

You know what's fun to listen to? Song mash-ups, where two singles that don't usually belong in the same section of the record store are woven together with precision, affection, and mastery by a sure, steady hand. You know what's torturous? When the guy that wrote the Adam Sandler movie where Dave Matthews picks up a coconut with his butt tries to say something new about romance and espionage, alongside the guy who directed both a Sugar Ray video and Charlie's Angels. This Means War, a movie that had a lot of potential to ignite both our imaginations and libido, just managed to wrestle some giggles out of me while making me happy I don't have to Internet date and meet any of these people along the way.

Reese Witherspoon, Tom Hardy and Chris Pine certainly do their share of sexing up the landscape of the movie with their blazingly white smiles and dewy complexions, but like every other one of McG's films, it just seems so damn pleased with itself. Yes, everyone's clothes are perfect and even a mundane office space looks like something straight out of Offices for People Who Are So Rich They Don't Actually Have to Work Magazine. That might even fool some people into thinking that this is a fun, sexy movie. For me, it seemed like overcompensating for a half-baked script that only worked part of the time. It's a love triangle between two CIA agents and a hot blonde that meet online, chock to the brim with gadgetry and explosions that ultimately bombs.

Chelsea Handler is in full glory, doing her usual "drunken slutty loudmouth" bit she does so well. Therefore, in comparison to the rest of the pretty-but-vacant cast, I started to wish I was watching her movie, where everyone else was reduced to walk-on roles that she could make fun of. I would even do her a favor and give Tom Hardy some more screen time with her, because it turns out that he can not only swing his fists, but do comedy as well. Unfortunately he is paired with FDR (Pine), who is so unlikable it makes Lauren's indecision between the two make her seem absolutely mental. FDR is supposed to be his CIA partner and best friend, but it comes across as another thing the movie doesn't quite acknowledge in the right way. They feel so Sherlock-and-Watson, Lauren's character seems less like the object of their affection and more like their beard.

It's no fun to watch a bird with a broken wing toddle down the street, weakly leaping into the air and attempt to take flight only to continually crash into the sidewalk. Even though this movie has some good bits and sweet moments straight out of a teenage girl's dream journal, the weak spy subplot is meant to do nothing more than distract you from a bunch of supposedly romantic nonsense happening onscreen.

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