Dave's Rating:


… Paris Hilton's idea of revenge …

Who's in It: Paris Hilton, some other people who aren't lucky enough to be Paris Hilton

The Basics: A "hot" woman and her scabby, hairy mole-having, mucus-encrusted Garbage Pail Kid of a best female friend torment all the heterosexual men who cross their path. Then the gross one gets a makeover, and suddenly she's pretty, too. And that's pretty much it. Calling it unfunny and incoherent is like calling Charles Manson mildly neurotic. In fact, I don't think it's too much of a stretch to call this one of the worst films of all time. I said this in my column, but it bears repeating: It really has to be seen to be believed.

What's the Deal? Hard time in the joint can change a person. Make them worse sometimes. And it would appear that this is Hilton's idea of revenge on a world she feels has done her wrong. If you listen carefully to the soundtrack, in fact, you can hear her screeching, backwards, like a demon, How dare they lock me up? I'll show them all! I'll make the most blindingly bad movie ever made! I'll dare all those hip people who ironically love bad movies to stare into the abyss! It'll scorch their eyes right out of their sockets! Their souls permanently damned to remember every brutality-filled second! I will triumph! I am legion! Expect me!

How You Know Paris Is Playing a Character That Has Nothing to Do With the Actual Paris Hilton: Her character maintains lifelong friendships and seems like she's almost nice. Until the moment comes when Hilton decides to ad-lib, like in the scene where she shouts at a guy who has the nerve to hit on her in a bar, "PAY MY BAR TAB, BITCH!"

Some People Might Think of This as a Spoiler, But I Consider It Just a Friendly Warning: She's not brutally murdered like she was in House of Wax. So now you won't feel quite so cheated.


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