Who’s In It: Kristin Kreuk, Chris Klein, Neal McDonough, Josie Ho, Taboo, Michael Clarke Duncan
The Basics: Take some American actors and put them in Bangkok. Divide them into the good team and the bad team. Make them fight. Well, not them. Some stunt people. Lots and lots of obvious stunt people. And then choreograph the fights in a way that strips them of excitement and impact. Edit them into a blur. Do this over and over until the good guys win. See how much fun you're having now? Oh, one more thing: give one of the American actors an Irish accent even though his character was raised in Thailand.
What’s The Deal: I’ve got to start paying more attention to what’s on my movie review to-do list. Last week I wandered blindly into Madea Goes to Jail thinking I was going to be showered with nonstop, old lady-man electric boogaloo and what I got was some of that and a whole lot of junkie prostitute morality play. This week I didn’t stop to notice that this movie isn’t actually from an Asian country where they know how to make a proper martial arts movie. Do you know what it’s like to expect furious face-kicking and super-violence all Tony Jaa-style and instead find out that Kristin Kreuk from Smallville and those Neutrogena ads is the star? And that one of the guys from the Black Eyed Peas is a villain?
Better Vehicle For Kristin Kreuk's Talents: That commercial she was in for Neutrogena Blackhead Eliminating Cleansing Cushions. Have you seen that one? She's jubilant in it, really. You can't touch this woman in the dramatic arena of pore detoxification. And the animation where the cleansing cushion sweeps the blackhead away like a superpowered broom, leaving behind the cutest little pockmark? It's like a light from the sky comes down and shines warm healing rays on you when that happens.
Better Version Of Street Fighter That Wasn't Already A Video Game: The '90s film starring Jean Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue.
Alert The Razzie Awards' 2009 Nominating Committee: I have a feeling that when Chris Klein told his friends he was going to be in this movie, they said, "You know what you should try to do? Give the absolute worst acting performance in cinema history. Like, you could always say, 'Hell yeah, that was ME that did that!' How much of a bad-ass would you be then? You'd have meant to be that guy!" And then he went off and took the dare. And then when the movie wrapped he remembered that they'd dared him to do that on the set of Rollerball, too.