Who's in It: Steve Zahn, Jonah Hill, Justin Long, Allen Covert
The Basics: Stoners try to find Bigfoot. And those five words are actually more coherent a plotline than anything the movie gives you. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Stoners try to find Bigfoot but instead wind up getting baked and succumb to turkeys that attack their genitals.
What's the Deal? Remember Meet The Spartans and how much fun we all had at that movie? Those were the days. That's how hatefully stupid and unfunny this one is — it's made me nostalgic for an equally stupid movie from last week. This is the kind of movie that thinks stoned characters laughing over the fact that they've just met someone named Dick is the funniest thing ever. And when you're stoned it probably is. So if you've got a medical marijuana prescription, that might be the only way to buffer yourself from the pain this film is trying to inflict.
What Studio Is Too Ashamed to Even Put Its Corporate Logo on This Movie: Paramount. It's theirs. Talk about weird priorities. They have zero problem inflicting Elizabethtown on the world, but now suddenly they're shy.
My New Lease on Life: I used to have a rule about how to conduct myself while living in Los Angeles, home to the film industry. That rule was Never talk to famous people when you see them at the grocery store. But I have a new rule. Here it is: Famous people who ought to know way better but who still insist on churning out crappy movie after crappy movie are going to get a punch in the nose. And this one comes from Adam Sandler's production company. So someday, in the Eggo Waffle section, don't turn your back, man. I'll be there. It's gonna be Uwe Boll Boxing time. You and me. Okay, lie. I'm too chicken. And you've probably got a giant bodyguard who'll kick my face in. But I can dream.