Who's in It:
Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean, Deborah Kara Unger, Jodelle Ferland
The Basics: Your kid has a mystery illness that makes her sleepwalk and say weird stuff about a deserted, haunted town, so naturally you drag her to that deserted, haunted town and lose her there amid all the ghouls and monsters. That's good parenting. Next time you won't try to be all clever, and you'll take the kid to the doctor instead.
What's the Deal? You have to wait almost 90 light-on-dialogue minutes to find out what's actually going on in this movie. It turns out that there are a bunch of wacko Christian fanatics who are more or less responsible for all the mayhem. They're ultraconservative witch-hunters who destroy everything they don't like. So somewhere in this crazy 127-minute mess is a warning against religious fascism, but it's drowning in all that fake blood.
Monster Squad Roll Call: Because it's based on a video game, mom has to make it past insanely freaky mutants to get to her kid, like you'd have to do in a video game. Fortunately, these monsters are the best thing about the movie. You get blackened monster-kids whose heads are on fire, tall spindly-legged dudes who look like pupas and have no face, lots of crucified and tortured corpses, some guy with legs bent backward who crawls around on his stomach, giant bugs with human faces and some sexy dead nurses who gyrate and do the "Thriller" dance.
What Sucks: The explain-y part near the end. Up to that point, it's all show, show, show and then suddenly, it's tell, tell, tell. You know someone up above was like, "We don't get what's happening. Make the devil-child character tell Radha Mitchell what's up."
See It For: The art direction. Because it's not scary at all. Just creepy and gross, like a two-hour Marilyn Manson video.