Who's In It: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet, Aly Michalka, Danneel Harris, Frances Fisher, Billy Zane
The Basics: Set in a parallel dimension where those crappy little miniature fedoras are still in style, everyone communicates on a social networking site called "Frienderz," Bipolar Disorder is exactly the same thing as being a violent psychotic and Single White Female was never a movie, it's the cautionary tale of two young women sharing a luxurious, spacious, well-appointed college dorm room. Then the "bipolar" one goes kookoo-bananas, mutilates herself, stabs people, spitefully makes out with lesbians and puts a kitten in a dryer. The other one stares blankly into space, waiting for the moment in her acting career when she doesn't get offered movies like this anymore.
What's The Deal: Lazy, ugly, boring, inept, brainless, pointless, bloodless, tension-less, idea-less, suspense-less, naked-less, acting-less. That's what it is, now here are your options for responding to it should you find yourself enduring all 90 minutes...
Rage: It's usually my go-to emotion when I find I've just paid money to be insulted, and maybe it's yours too. But there's no real point in getting so worked up about a run-of-the-mill bad movie. And because the people responsible aren't around to see you supply the fury the film should have delivered, your tantrum will be like a tree falling in the woods. Better you should engage in...
Derisive Comments and Laughter: It's the only sane response. But to do it properly you're going to need to see it with friends in a very crowded theater with a very unruly, preferably drunken audience. If you're cheap then just wait until cable and just have people over. Otherwise you'll have no one but yourself around to point out the way Leighton Meester communicates murder-thoughts exclusively via the jutting of her lower lip, or how Cam Gigandet can't seem to convincingly select a book from a library shelf. It's wrong to walk through life all alone that way.
Fun Fact: Features two actors who appeared in Titanic--Frances Fisher as Meester's mother (a character hilariously described as "very fond of" her daughter) and Billy Zane as a professor who wears idiotic outfits and tries to date-rape his female students.