Who's in It: Sylvester Stallone, Burt Young, Milo Ventimiglia, Geraldine Hughes
The Basics: Sixty-year-old Rocky Balboa gets back into the ring and … huh? Yes, 60. It's not a typo. It's what happens in this movie. Yes, I know it's a dumb idea; I didn't make the movie.
What's the Deal? OK, let's say you're down for the vanity project masquerading as a metaphor for Stallone's career. Here's what you're in for:
1. Footage from the first Rocky to help you remember how much you liked that movie.
2. The punching of big sides of beef, like in the first Rocky.
3. The drinking of the raw eggs, like in the first Rocky.
4. A doggy sidekick with a cute name, like in the first Rocky.
5. Turtles, like in the first Rocky.
6. Unwise training rituals in no-arch-support-having Converse Chuck Taylors. Size unknown; color black.
7. The running up of steps and the jumping up and down on them, like in the first Rocky.
8. Concern about "going the distance," like in the first Rocky.
9. A plain-Jane Adrian Jr., since Talia Shire wisely bailed from this sad marathon a while back.
10. A self-consciously stripped down, "humble" approach meant to evoke fond memories of … guess what movie?
In other words, you are watching Gus Van Sant's Psycho remake.
Subliminal Product Placement: Clairol for Men must have stepped up to the plate in a big way because Stallone's hair is a painty jet black. So are his oddly plucked and shaped eyebrows. It's the most fascinating thing in the movie, really.
Subplot of Nothingness: Ventimiglia from Gilmore Girls and Heroes steps in as Rocky's estranged son. When I first heard this movie was being made I thought, Oh, so he's going to box, and Stallone will coach? But I was wrong. So wrong.