Dave White
The Return Review

Dave's Rating:

0.5

… unscary …

Who's in It: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sam Shepard, Adam Scott

The Basics: Help! I'm being haunted by supernatural visions! Also! There's this guy! I think he used to be my boyfriend and he keeps trying to beat me up! And I cut myself! Who knows why! And some DJ keeps going scratchy-scratch-scratch with Patsy Cline's "Crazy"! Aaauuuuugghhh! My radio won't turn off! There's a kid from The Grudge in my back seat! Boo! Now I'm running into a spooky barn! OMG! It's empty! The barn is empty! But spooky!

What's the Deal? Does Gellar use a Magic 8 Ball to pick scripts? Because the answer that's not coming up is the one that goes: "Work for less money and pick a movie that doesn't trade on Buffy fans and their slavish devotion. And pick some indie director with a worthy project that isn't based on an unscary 'atmospheric,' Japanese horror movie."

To Work Is the Dream of Every Actor: Shepard (Gellar's disconnected dad), however, simply has bills to pay. Probably some orthodontist for all his kids' braces. Property taxes. Something.

Advertising Lies to You All Day, Every Day: But usually not this blatantly. The ad campaign promises something with a big scary zombie eyeball. And guess what? Not in the movie for even one second.

PG-13 Horror Movies are the 6th Level of Hell: But I guess 11-year-old girls need something on DVD to shriek along to at slumber parties.

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