Who’s It It: Alexa Vega, Paul Sorvino, Anthony Stewart Head, Sarah Brightman, Paris Hilton, Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre
The Basics: In the future everyone is a Goth and addicted to plastic surgery, murder, mutilation and bad histrionic singing (because it’s a rock opera) that would make Meat Loaf cluck his tongue and advise them all to tone it down a bit. They’re also all strung out on some dumb fictional drug. Paris Hilton likes to sing while having hers injected below the waist. Then comes the genetic opera/blood bath. I sorta liked the blood bath part.
What’s The Deal: The most notable thing about this movie is that it’s unlike anything I’ve seen at the movies all year long and, somehow, simultaneously, mind-bendingly tedious and aurally torturous. The songs are crap on top of crap sandwiched between crap and that poor girl from Spy Kids has to carry a lot of it, whining insistently about how she has a genetic blood disorder. Her murder-happy repo man dad is played by Giles from Buffy. That dude has been listening to a lot of Queensryche.
Gorehound Warning: I’m like you, my fellow fans of splattering entrails. I like a good gutting, a beautiful beheading, some Evil Dead 2 antics. And while this may be one of the nastiest, goriest musicals ever made (directed by the man behind several Saw sequels), it’s just not worth the effort.
Paris Hilton Warning: She really is in this. And she really sings. At one point she warbles: “I’ll never sing again!” That got my hopes up for a second. But she didn’t mean it.
The Only Moments Worth Looking At Besides The Parts With Ogre From Skinny Puppy: And before you read this, know that it’s a total spoiler. If you don’t want to know about any spoilers you should stop reading right now because I’m about to reveal something gruesome and awesome. Okay, ready? Paris’s entire face falls off at the end and then that intensely irritating Sarah Brightman gouges her own eyes out. It’s pretty rad. Wait for cable and then you can fast-forward the TiVo to those bits.