Who's in It: Tony Jaa, Jin Xing
The Basics: Do you think for one second you're gonna steal Jaa's prized elephants and not get your leg broken off and stuffed down your throat? You, then, are sadly mistaken and soon to be dead. Because this is the guy from Ong Bak — and I pity the fool who crosses him. The word "badass" used to have Sam Jackson's picture next to it in the dictionary. But now it's got Jaa's. Seriously, do not steal his elephants.
What's the Deal? These crime lords steal Tony J.'s elephants and have to pay. And what's great about this too-short film is that it is almost nonstop action and people getting kicked in the face and mangled beyond recognition. It's as though George Balanchine were still alive and said, "Yeah, my next ballet is going to be nonstop face-kicking and skull-crushing. No story. Just battle."
OK, Yes, the Dragon Lady Thing Is Pretty Racist: However, this one — she's the crime boss — dresses like Catwoman and carries a bullwhip that she almost does in our hero with. And if that's not enough, she carries knives in her wig and poisons little kids for kicks.
Then Come the Giant Dudes: Three of them, like 9 feet tall each, who are like, "Yeah, watch me pull this porcelain sink off the wall and crush Jaa's head with it." Then another time, they do the same thing with the head of a huge stone lion sculpture. Guess who wins, though?
Not Jackie Chan, But an Incredible Simulation: There's a scene in which Jaa bumps into what looks like Chan in an airport. The scene goes by too quickly to really be sure. But if it's not Chan, it's his doppelgänger.