Who's in It: Dominic Purcell, Brooke Langton, Orlando Jones, Jürgen Prochnow
The Basics: Not only is this movie not about a serial killer but about a giant alligator, it's not even completely about the giant alligator. It's about how all that tragic genocide and civil wars ripping African nations apart makes it easy for alligators to become supersatisfied eating machines ("… all those dead bodies in the water," says the guy from Prison Break to the chick from Melrose Place). The movie fails, however, to explain how it makes the reptiles able to accomplish the mostly non-alligatorish tasks of running faster than cars, flying through the air vertically, tearing apart things made of steel and having human-detecting radar in their skulls.
What's the Deal? When I go see a killer-alligator movie, especially an R-rated killer-alligator movie, I want a few more fine-dining-moments than what I got with this one. There's exactly ONE good jolt in the movie, and then there's ONE good eating scene where you see someone's head get chewed up. And that's IT. Do I want to pay 10 bucks to see one minute of gore and 90 more of people talking, running and boring me into taking little naps? No, I do not. Worst of all, it began to really irritate me that the animal was named Gustave and not Primeval. It's kind of like how I wish Mariah Carey's character had actually been named Glitter.
And Another Thing: The characters go on and on about what a monster this gator is. He's huge, they say, positively dinosaur-esque. In fact, Jones' character makes a quip about the giant steel cage they've constructed being a regular-size condom and "we need a Magnum." (It's this movie's Jaws reference; you remember, the line that goes, "We need a bigger boat.") And then you see the CG thing jump on top of the cage. And it's smaller than the cage. You could fit two of these so-called monsters in that cage. Get your story straight, Jones.
Sure, Sure, We All Care About Genocide: But isn't it awesome that Hollywood has managed to turn this gruesome stuff into background noise for exciting adventure films like this and Blood Diamond?
Who Should See It: Nobody. Well, maybe the creators of Lake Placid, so they can gloat.
Smell the Franchise: And because the opening and closing credits make sure you know that (a) this story is inspired by true events and (b) Gustave still lives and lurks in the waters of Burundi, where he feeds and kills to this day, you know that (c) the direct-to-DVD sequel or four is already in the planning stages.