Dave White
Priest Review

Dave's Rating:


God: the ultimate ninja master.

Who's In It: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q, Stephen Moyer, Christopher Plummer, Madchen Amick

The Basics: In a world destroyed by centuries of war between humans and vampires, everybody has their turf. The vampires live in mound-like hives and the people are brave, Old West-style wasteland dwellers or captives of walled, Church-controlled cities where total obedience is required. A pack of roving vampires, led by a priest-turned-blood-drinker who dresses like Clint Eastwood in The Good the Bad and the Ugly (Urban), has kidnapped the niece of a priest (Bettany) who was once a master ninja vampire killer but who now lives in Church-enforced retirement. This means our hero's got to go rogue, jump on his Mad Max cycle and unpack the crucifixes that turn into groovy throwing stars of death. There are worse hobbies for a priest.

What's The Deal: It's pretty unlikely that if you're already committed to the idea of buying a ticket to this that you're doing so because you think it's going to be good. Maybe you're just bored. Maybe you like the idea of vampires versus extreme-fighting-style priests and beyond that you have zero expectations. Maybe you're already a fan of the graphic novel and you're curious as to how they ruined it by turning it into a film. Whatever the reason, you have to at least know you're paying to witness something vaguely trashy and dumb. And that's not wrong of you. "I just want to see some fighting" is a perfectly good justification for watching a bad movie. This one, for the record, is about 80% bad, all stolen moments from other films and character-less plot and doofus dialogue delivered by Cam Gigandet.

The Other 20%: That would be the last 20 minutes or so, when all the overly long and boring setup pays off. It doesn't pay off very well, mind you, but it's when those throwing stars really do their best work (the cross is the switchblade) and that's also when you're finally treated to decent explosions, erupting amniotic sacs of fetal vampire and people being chopped into big PG-13 chunks. It's the part where you sit in your theater seat imagining how much better it would be if it were rated R and garnished with tons more vampire violence and digital death.

When To See It: It's the kind of movie that inspires talking back to the screen, filling in dead air with your own dialogue, texting whomever you choose and throwing food at your friends. But since all of that is impolite at best and kick-outable behavior under any circumstance, catch this one a) at a rowdy midnight screening where no one cares what you do or b) at the end of its run, preferably on a Tuesday afternoon when you can have the place to yourself. And it's almost guaranteed that you will.


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