Dave's Rating:

0.5

...glowering and fuming and snorting...

Who’s In It: Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, Jon Voight, Noah Emmerich, Jennifer Ehle, John Ortiz, Lake Bell

The Basics: You know how when you’re watching Cops and you’re seeing them arrest yet another shirtless, drunk, toothless piece of human garbage and you think, “If these clowns are bad, imagine how rotten some of the crooked cops must be.” And then you think about how it would be great if Cops did a special show about cops arresting cops for being hardcore criminals themselves? Well, here you go. Cop On Cop Action: The Movie.

What’s The Deal: There’s a real movie about moral ambiguity wanting to climb out of the dumb glop you’re actually going to see here, but it’s suffocated by all the posturing and manly-man-mannishness that turns it into a too easy amoral-men-doing-amoral-things stew of silliness. Admittedly, once these guys really get their evil deed on (see next paragraph for non-spoilery explanation) the movie suddenly gets cool enough to keep watching, but it’s to no satisfying end. Unless you consider somewhat happy endings satisfying. I don’t. I think they’re for cheaters.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Get Up And Go To The Bathroom When: Colin Farrell busts into an informant’s apartment while the guy’s eating dinner with his family. And then all heck breaks loose. You will see things you’ve never seen in a movie before during this scene and, if you’re like me, you’ll finally break out of the boredom-induced, near-nap-like state the first hour of the film will put you in. It’s such a jolt that the preview audience I was with reacted pretty loudly.

Best Worst Part: So one of the bad lieutenants is so destroyed by his own evil that he has to take serious and drastic measures as self-punishment. But not before he lays down a brokedown, heartfelt monologue, all tough-guy-ish. He goes (and this is sort of a paraphrase but not much), “I joined the force for the pride… and the glory… boo-hoo-hoo, etc.” That I had to hold my hand over my mouth to contain my snickering means I’m either a calloused soul or way more awesome than the other people sitting near me who didn’t themselves break out into loud laughter. I choose to believe the latter.

Who Haunts The Corners Of The Frame Like She’s In A Much Better Movie: Jennifer Ehle, who plays the cancer-stricken wife of one of the corrupted. She sticks out like a sore thumb in this ham-fist because she’s playing it down around a three on the SHOWY-ACTING-O-METER instead of glowering and fuming and snorting her way through it like the guys. You know why this is? Two-time Tony Award winner, that’s why.

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