Grae Drake
Piranha 3DD Review

Grae's Rating:



How much more is there to say about angry, razor-toothed fish that want nothing more than to feed indiscriminately upon anything crossing their path? Piranha 3DD answers that question with a resounding "not much." Despite the presence of David Hasselhoff, strong pool jets, and a complete lack of regard for human anatomy, Piranha 3DD just tries too hard.

It brings me no joy to put this in writing. I bought my ticket to Piranha 3D in 2010, powering through my own major real-life injury to point and laugh at other people's movie injuries. The film had an accidental beauty, being a graceful ballet of unspeakable gore and naughtiness that I reveled in despite the frozen peas on my ankle hoisted on the seat in front of me. But, in typical Hollywood style, they zeroed in on all the hastily scrawled "underwater naked scene" comments left on the test audience's reaction cards, and made that the focus of their second movie. So the double D in the title is no trick designed to lure you in--that's all the movie really consists of. The enormous amounts of blood and gore that were positively breathtaking in the last film are thrown to the side in favor of lame jokes and nipples. I was obviously not their target demographic for this film, but it still wasn't as much fun as its predecessor.

Lake Victoria was devastated by the piranha the first time around. Next on the list lies Big Wet, a water park run by David Koechner, where the only business plan seems to be "dishonesty around as many big-breasted girls as possible." That same plan has worked for countless B-movies before it, so why not this one? The answer: self awareness. Danielle Panabaker plays the disapproving stepdaughter home from college, who wants nothing more than to reconnect with her hot ex (Chris Zylka), ignore the best friend who's in love with her (Matt Bush), and have fun at the family's water park. Stepdaddy is ruining all that, though, because his thirst for money has given him the great idea of turning the water park into a Girls Gone Wild video come to life. Cue the fish. It all goes really, really poorly.

The usual assortment of goofy and expendable water park employees are hovering around, having sex (with both people and pool appliances) and getting chomped on by the hungry fishies. Every storyline seems like a desperate attempt to liven up what is going to be a really disappointing climax, but it doesn't work. The craziest thing that happens involves Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock, and to describe it would only sound like I am exaggerating to prove a point. It was easily the stupidest, most forced thing I have seen in five years--which made it both disgusting and fantastic. It was the only thing that stands out about the movie among the endless parade of knockers, aside from the Hoff.

Let's talk about David Hasselhoff for a second. He's great. And he's collecting a paycheck for this movie while pretending to collect a paycheck as a celebrity lifeguard for the water park's opening day. He makes fun of redheaded kids and ends up being a voice of reason for the film, almost in the same breath.

I have been swimming in an Ecuadorian river infested with piranha and didn't even feel as much as a nibble. That, along with this movie, define anti-climactic.


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