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Who Blarted?

Here are the funny parts of Paul Blart Mall Cop 2: [spoilers, if you can really call them that, to follow]

1. Someone is mowed down by a milk truck and killed.

2. Paul Blart Mall Cop (Kevin James) is attacked by a large bird.

3. Paul Blart Mall Cop runs into a plate glass wall.

4. Paul Blart Mall Cop is kicked by a horse.

5. Paul Blart Mall Cop, who is hypoglycemic and needs blasts of sugar to release his Popeye-Strength, lies on the floor of a casino to catch the pink drippings of a child's melted ice cream cone.

The total running time of these comedy moments amounts to about 45 seconds. There are 93 more minutes to go.

During that 93 minutes, Paul Blart Mall Cop goes to Las Vegas for a Mall Cop Convention. He takes his daughter (Raini Rodriguez). They meet up with crime people who want to commit an art heist inside the Wynn Casino. The crime people don't know who they're dealing with, of course, and will be taken down by the heroic Paul Blart Mall Cop via wacky, non-lethal methods, such as bean bag guns and being bonked on the head. So that's another 20 minutes, give or take a few.

The rest of the movie is about nothing. Actual nothing. It's not that the jokes are bad. It's that there are no jokes, bracketed by scenes that have no intention of ever coming into contact with jokes. Kevin James and Nick Bakay are credited as screenwriters, but that's only because "Taking Naps" and "I Went Out To Get A Sandwich" are not Writer's Guild screen credits yet.

The cast wanders around inside the ugly production design, reciting dialogue that explains what's about to happen. Then that thing happens. Then they talk about what just happened. To stay awake while watching the movie will require that you develop a fascination for other aspects of cinema, such as the continuity-defying hair color shifts on top of Paul Blart Mall Cop's head, the chugging of root beer, and the tricked-out details of a Super Segway. There's also a bit about a vibrating fork. It helps Paul Blart Mall Cop eat more slowly. That's funny because he's so fat.

Director Andy Fickman, the filmmaker behind She's The Man, The Game Plan, You Again, and Parental Guidance, was playing Candy Crush on his phone during this entire shoot. Take the family to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. They'll hate you for it.


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