Dave White
Paranoia Review

Dave's Rating:

0.0

No, it is I who am paranoia-ing YOU.

Hey job as a film critic, I love you. We've been together a long time. We've been together so long, in fact, that I've seen this movie already at least two dozen times. And I love that aspect of this job a whole lot because it makes thinking thoughts about this movie much less complicated, demanding and mind-stressy. I'm pretty sure it was Ryan Phillippe who starred in this movie back in 2001. I forget the name of this movie from that year but it was a corporate thriller about a young man who finds himself in too deep while playing a dangerous game. It's that one that Tom Cruise was in 10 years before Ryan Phillippe. Whatever it was called. You go look it up, I'm not your barista of 2001 movie information.

In this great Ryan Phillippe movie from 2001 of 2013, Liam Hemsworth is a hotshot twentysomething who does phones and technology things for a living. But the mean boss played by Gary Oldman fires Liam Hemsworth for being boring and not understanding that you don't sass the British boss when he's drinking his tea. Then Gary Oldman re-hires him to go spy on Harrison Ford's company that Gary Oldman wants to destroy. To spy properly Liam Hemsworth has to shirtlessly manipulate Harrison Ford employee Amber Heard (via the lifting of her extremely gross, mucus-like fingerprints -- seriously, the dirtiest, most food residue-encrusted hands of any person in film history and I'm taking Gummo and Beasts of The Southern Wild into consideration so don't tell me I haven't thought this through) in order to access HarrisonFordCo, Inc's chamber of phone-secrets. To make this happen Liam Hemsworth has to pretend to tolerate Amber Heard long enough so that she'll let him sleep over, allowing him to steal all her computer files during a post-coital shower.

Bad guys show up and murders happen and the intrigue results in FBI guys harassing Liam Hemsworth and then Gary Oldman's henchmen spying on and threatening to kill Liam's sick-and-dying-with-crushing-medical-bills-but-still-super-horny codger of a Dad played by Richard Dreyfuss. People run through alleys after that and the director, Robert Luketic, makes sure to add buzzy visual flourishes that resemble horizontal VHS tracking errors while they run so that you think running is the most exciting thing in the world. In this movie it kind of is.

Okay, I take that back. The script is just as exciting as the parts where people are running because the characters spend their non-running, non-spying, non-showering, non-shirtless moments throwing shade at one another, as though the world's entire corporate culture were based on the rules of RuPaul's Drag Race. Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford are especially bitchy together and if I find out that Luketic shot but then cut a scene where the two of them lip sync for their lives I will never watch Legally Blonde with commercial interruption on OWN ever again.

So thanks for this garbage movie, job. I love that you're my job and I love that we get to do this together and I'm already stoked for the next Ryan Phillippe movie of 2001 that will probably happen sometime in January of 2014.

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