Dave White
Pandorum Review

Dave's Rating:

2.5

Space: much filthier than you imagined.

Who's In It: Dennis Quaid, Ben Foster, Cam Gigandet

The Basics: Two astronauts wake up from "extended hypersleep" with no memory of why they're on board what seems to be a deserted, decaying, goo-splattered spaceship. After shaving and trimming their fingernails they start figuring out the terrifying whys of it all (Earth? Kaboom.), especially when the space-monsters start chasing them. From that point on it's a short matter of time before the haunted house/space station's final reactor blows and it's humanity's last hope and blah-blah-future-of-all-things-living-blah.

What's The Deal: The first thirty minutes almost dare you to theater hop. It's not until other survivors are found--increasingly insane of course, but capable of kicking monster ass--that the action really ramps up. After that, it turns out to be not the worst end-of-the-world/trapped-with-really-gross-and-really-hungry-creatures/guess-which-human-cast-member-is-a-secret-bad-guy rip off of Alien 3, Resident Evil, Event Horizon and Spaceballs that you've ever seen. It's just not the best one, either. But if your ongoing happiness in life means a steady diet of This Sort of Thing, here's some more of it.

Best Part: When they come across the grimy nutjob "cook" who uses motor oil to fry up his lunch, speaks in rhyme like a homeless Nipsey Russell and etches prehistoric cave-drawing narratives onto the interior hull. Because they're all supposed to be on their way to a fresh new Earth-like planet that they'll eventually destroy like the old one, you know this guy won't make the repopulation-readiness cuteness cut, but he's fun while he lasts.

Why Dennis Quaid Is In Not Only This Movie, But Also G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra - My Own Personal Theory: Sometimes as an actor you go out on a limb, work on a complex project with a critically acclaimed filmmaker, take a risk and get rewarded with at least an Oscar nomination, if not a full-on win. It changes your career trajectory and suddenly you get respect you never knew. And then sometimes you play a tormented married man who's secretly gay in Todd Haynes's Far From Heaven and critics groups rain down praise and honors on your head and your co-star Julianne Moore gets a nomination but the Academy still acts like you're a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe. And then you think, "Well, screw it, I have child support checks to pay. Oh, I can be in these two movies about superhuman fighting doll-people and astronauts battling mutants that look like Voldemort's ugly cousins? And they're going to meet my quote? Fine, let's do it."

What's A "Pandorum"? Honestly, they must've explained that bit while I was at concession getting a pretzel. Doesn't really matter though.

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