Dave's Rating:

3.0

Bosoms heave, bodices rip … it ain't history.

Who's in It: Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Eric Bana, Kristin Scott Thomas

The Basics: "Oh, look, the Boleyn whores," says the soon-to-be-beheaded Queen of England as she passes scheming Anne (Portman) and somewhat-less-minxy Mary (Johansson) on her way to her beheading. See, Anne is being a supertease with Henry VIII, refusing to "lie with him," as they said in the olden days, until he marries her. Meanwhile, Mary's already had one of his babies because her climber parents basically prostituted her to him. Then he dumped her for Anne. And that's just for starters.

What's the Deal? I can't wait to hear about people going to see this thinking it's going to be a classy, period-wig film and then finding out they've walked into an episode of Flamingo Road with fancy costumes. I don't even know what kind of movie the filmmakers thought they were creating. I have a hard time believing that these A-list actors all knowingly signed on for something this trashy. Bosoms heave, bodices rip, audience laughter commences. It ain't history. But then again, it ain't boring, either.

It Was "Opposite Day" at the Casting Office? You'd expect ScarJo to play the naughty girl, right? And Portman to be the princess-ier of the pair? But here, they flip it on you and tape down Johansson until it looks like she's starring in Boys Don't Cry. For her part, however, Portman makes a great Joan Collins, and you're kind of rooting for her to topple everything. You figure it could happen, too, since they're already playing fast and loose with facts.

For Fans Of: Wild Things, All About Eve, Showgirls, Academy Award-winning costume designer Sandy Powell, shirtless and gym-going versions of Henry VIII, The Tudors, Cinemax after midnight

For the Record: Someone does actually say, "the other Boleyn girl" in the first five minutes. Just to get it out of the way.

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