Who's In It:Robin Williams, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Conner Rayburn, Ella Bleu Travolta, Lori Loughlin, Seth Green, Bernie Mac, Matt Dillon, Ann-Margret, Rita Wilson, Luis Guzman, Amy Sedaris
The Basics: Two best friends who run an extremely profitable marketing business and who also hate children are turned into moronic jackasses when one of them discovers he has twins he's never met. See, the overindulged brats' mom--who quickie-married Robin Williams on a whim seven years ago--never bothered to tell the guy that he knocked her up. Hence, some kids. Also, mom's going to jail for a couple weeks (yes, really) so can Robin and John babysit and make up for all that lost parenting time? Sure they can. Then random incidents like camping trips and remote-controlled human puppet tea parties and gorillas molesting Seth Green take place to fill time until the end comes when the grown-ups learn a lesson about how to be parents by doing every single thing their kids want and ignoring that hugely successful business. Hugs all around.
What's The Deal: Is it possible to make a citizen's arrest of people who create despicably, incomprehensibly evil movies like this? I don't mean the supporting cast like Luis Guzman or Amy Sedaris or Seth Green. They're just getting paid and have no control anyway. I mean producers and directors (from the man who made Wild Hogs and the forthcoming Wild Hogs 2) and stars who have clearly lost contact with humanity. I want them all just put in jail right now. Because that's how I felt while watching it, like enduring 90-minutes of movie jail. In fact, I would like it if they were dragged from their homes on Thanksgiving Day and thrown into solitary confinement and forced to watch this movie over and over and over until their souls are broken, then forced into a year-long probation period where they have to be some good filmmaker's personal slave. There, that felt good to get off my chest.
When In Doubt About What Emotions Your Characters And Audience Are Supposed To Be Feeling, Always Cut To A Groaning Doggie Reaction Shot: If you are a sad, self-hating person and you go see this movie anyway, make sure to tally up all the times the movie cuts away to a sighing, grumbling dog when things go wrong for the humans. I lost count. Then I fell asleep for a little bit. Then I woke up again. There was still a huge dog face looking back at me.
Things That Are Funny In Real Life But Not Funny In This Film: Drug overdoses, kicking a soccer ball into a kid's face and breaking his nose, laughing through a bereavement support group meeting, slamming a car trunk on Rita Wilson's hands, line-driving golf balls into crotches, incontinent animals, telling your kids you never wanted them, electrocuted butt cheeks, paralysis, farts, racism, and peeing your pants.