Dave White
No One Lives Review

Dave's Rating:

1.0

Mid-afternoon beef substitute Moped.

The title is its own spoiler. And when a horror movie does that to you from the outset, you assume it's got something else lurking in its death-bag to shock or scare you.

You'd be wrong to assume that here. This film has no such thing.

It's about a man who kills people. That man is played by Luke Evans (The Hobbit, Clash of the Titans), who describes himself to his favorite chase-and-catch-and-fight-and-run-away victim (Carey Mulligan look-alike Adelaide Clemens) as "a total psychopath." Does that make sense? Do psychopaths know they're psychopaths? It doesn't matter. He corners the rest of his less wily prey in a few abandoned locations and then, boom, some murders. Nothing more.

And if all the idiot talky parts in between impalements, vomit, beheadings and scalpings weren't so damn useless and inert, there'd be a satisfying gore party going on. As it is, though, there are four or five excellent moments, designed to be enjoyed on a DVR in between the yapping, moments you'll fast-forward to before forgetting you ever watched any of it. All but one are scenes of nasty, inventive yuck that, in a better film, would be the icing on the cake. The lone non-murder bit of interest and audience participation involves Clemens yelling at the rest of the knucklehead characters, people she says are "intent on playing the dying game." She asks them, loudly, "Are you people f#$&ing [not nice word formerly used to describe the mentally challenged]?"

The answer to her question is yes. But not for long. Because see title.

It's directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, who gave horror fans the much-delayed, critically undervalued and awesomely titled Midnight Meat Train. Because of my affection for that film, I choose not to blame him for the way this one goes wrong and dull and sad. The benefit of the doubt. Sometimes directors don't get to make the film they want. And that almost always coincides with horror fans not getting to see the one they want either.

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