Who’s In It: Rain, Naomie Harris, Sho Kosugi, Rick Yune, Sung Kang, Randall Duk Kim
The Basics: Europol researcher Mika (Naomie Harris) traces a rash of present-day assassinations to an ancient clan of killers led by the menacing Ozuno (cult actor Sho Kosugi), who “adopts” orphaned children and trains them as ninjas. Meanwhile, one of Ozuno’s exiled pupils, Raizo (Rain), goes rogue and teams up with Mika to bring down the evil ninja clan once and for all.
What’s The Deal: It’s exactly the kind of ninja movie you expected from the Wachowski brothers and director James McTeigue (V for Vendetta): slick, ultraviolent, and full of cool fights. As a bloody popcorn flick it delivers, although anyone looking to learn about the ancient Japanese art of ninjutsu will be sorely disappointed. For a rollicking 99 minutes, though, Ninja Assassin serves up shadowy ninjas, plenty of shirtless Rain, and an admittedly silly plot that manages to stay out of the way of the action.
Rain Is The Asian Timber-Pattz: You’re going to go see Ninja Assassin for one of two reasons: either you like ninjas, or you have a crush on Rain. The 27-year-old Korean pop star had his Hollywood debut in the Wachowskis’ Speed Racer, but he’s been selling out concerts and making girls swoon for years, and in my screening of Ninja Assassin, entire gaggles of girls cheered and squealed every time his naked abs made an appearance on screen. In fact, Rain’s abs should get a co-starring credit, because they’re a bigger draw than his other cast mates. Therefore I dub him the Asian Justin Timberlake and Robert Pattinson, or the Asian Timber-Pattz.
A Homogenized, Modern Ninja: Ninja Assassin will teach you nothing about Japanese culture or ninjas, aside from the fact that they’re awesome and deadly. The film even explains why there are little white kids in Ozuno’s dojo and why Rain, a Korean dude, is playing a ninja; Ozuno kidnapped kids from all over the world, you see, creating a rainbow-colored clan of killers. And he trains girls to be ninjas as well! Say what you will about the evil Sho Kosugi; at least he’s an equal opportunity ninja daddy.
Cool Ninja Stuff: If you like ninjas (as I do), you’ll be delighted with the wealth of weapons and fighting and details that Ninja Assassin has to offer. Katanas, staffs, knives, a claw blade on the end of a chain, and throwing stars. Lots of throwing stars. In fact, Raizo has so many throwing stars, he keeps them in a drawer in his kitchen instead of regular utensils. Where Ninja Assassin lacks in decent storytelling and dialogue, it makes up for in spades with throwing stars and sword fights and severed limbs and heads.
Ladies Love Cool Ninjas: Rain is so ripped, I bet John Basedow is jealous. Get his luck with the ladies by replicating his regimen of silent brooding glances, ninja-killing workouts, and at least one handstand push-up on a bed of nails per day.