Who's In It: Rain, Naomie Harris
The Basics: Rain is the baddest ninja ever but he has to leave his secret ninja clan when they kill his best friend. This makes him their next target while he cools his heels in Berlin, waiting to enact his revenge on them with this crazy murder chain thing he likes to whip around. Meanwhile, nosey Europol agent Naomi Harris breaks the case on a series of political murders that, it turns out, are linked to ninjas. This means she has to run around telling other agents, "Look, I'm serious, it's ninjas!" Then lots of blood is shed. And by "lots" I mean a torrential downpour of blood that could drown the entire population of Germany.
What's The Deal: This badly directed, badly scripted, badly acted movie is not good. It is, however, awesome. And that's because when it finally stops making actors talk to each other there's a really groovy body count mounting. Anonymous bad people get sliced in half, smashed to pieces in all-white restrooms, eviscerated with those cool throwing-stars and chain-sliced by Rain. If you care deeply about stuff like acting and the art of filmmaking and if you don't adore extreme ninja murders with all your heart then you should probably not see this film. I will be seeing it twice.
Who Is This "Rain" Person? Both of you who saw Speed Racer may remember him from there. Or maybe you've seen him play Stephen Colbert's fake arch-nemesis on The Colbert Report. But maybe you're a fan of Korean pop music and also a 16-year-old girl. Then he is your Beatlemania and this movie is your New Moon. It's why, during the premiere I attended, the place was well-stocked with young women whose job it was to scream like their hearts were exploding every time he took off his shirt on screen. That he brutally destroys countless people in the film didn't seem to bother them at all.
The Best In-Joke That's Also Sort Of Annoying: One of the great equalizers in popular culture is how you know that you could probably take that pretty male actor-model-pop singer in a fight because he wouldn't want to mess up his hair. So when a bad guy sees Rain and says, "He looks like he should be in a boy band," you laugh because he does. And is. But then he's shown doing upside-down pushups on a bed of nails and your slightly bruised man-pride hates him for it.
For Fans Of: Everything that's wrong with movies.