Dave White
Nine Review

Dave's Rating:


Number of minutes before you want to leave.

Who's In It: Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren

The Basics: A famous Italian film director has to deal with a creative block, a downward turn in his career and problem after problem from his wife, his mistress and all the other women he's having sex with who aren't already his wife or mistress. Worse, they won't stop singing showtunes in his face. I felt sorry for him every time a new number began.

What's The Deal: Yes, yes, it's a film about the love of film and the unique burdens of creativity and the male appetite for erotic stimulation at all cost. But if they'd just called it Lingerie: The Musical, it might entice more people to buy a ticket. Because almost every single time a woman is on stage it's like a Victoria's Secret store exploded all over the place. Most of those frilly underthings landed on Penelope Cruz, who, during her song, writhes around in a way that would make 1995 Elizabeth Berkeley envious. And at least during all the boobie dances it stops being boring.

Worst Song With Best Cultural Reason To Exist: Poor Kate Hudson is saddled with a tune called "Cinema Italiano" in which there are, I believe, direct lyrical references to craft services and key grips. At least she go-gos it up like her mom did on Laugh-In back in the day. It's what you're supposed to be thinking about when she does it, after all. Unless you're not old, then you don't even remember Laugh-In or know who Kate Hudson's mom is and you're not going to go see this movie anyway.

Who Interrupts The Frantic Chaos Long Enough To Remind You That It's Supposed To Be A Movie About Human Beings Instead Of Singing, Dancing Cyborgs With Fake Italian Accents: Marion Cotillard, as Daniel Day-Lewis's heartbroken, cheated-on wife. Her song is the sole moment of actual emotion in the entire film and every time she's on screen you stop and sigh along with her pain.

Other Movies It Will Force You To Think About Whether You Want To Or Not: For starters there's Fellini's classic 8 1/2, on which it's based. But it'll also make you wish you were just watching Stardust Memories or All That Jazz again. And when now-ultra-skinny Nicole Kidman finally sings, it's like something they cut from Moulin Rouge! because it wasn't exciting enough.


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