Who’s In It: Diane Lane, Richard Gere, Christopher Meloni, Viola Davis, Scott Glenn
The Basics: You know how it is when your really handsome husband who cheated on you is begging your forgiveness but being sort of pushy about it and your kids are nonstop sass machines and then, to get away, you’re all alone in your best friend’s extravagant built-on-stilts beachfront inn, just moping about life, and then BAM in walks Richard Gere and suddenly you’re making out with him as a raging sex-metaphor hurricane blows up all around you and then finally a stampede of mystery-ponies gallop across the beach for your entertainment? I know, who hasn’t that happened to? That’s why this movie feels so universal, almost like a documentary.
What’s The Deal: As wish-fulfillment nonsense entertainments go, I’d personally take this one over The Women any day and here’s why—in The Women all there is to envy is their money and homes. It’s not like you want their dumb problems or plastic surgery mishaps. But in this movie you get to wear comfortable yet sexy outfits, have a face suitable for your age and confidence that you’re totally attractive and not just in a cougary way, extremes of both romance and tragedy are delivered right to your doorstep, the awesome dilemma of having two hot guys who can’t live without you is your biggest problem, children come to their senses and realize that, whoa, you really are the best mom ever and all those horse fantasies you mooned over in elementary school make an amazing cameo appearance. I’m not even a woman and I’m thinking this is kind of the perfect movie.
Why You Won’t Feel Like Asking For Your Money Back: Diane Lane. She’s this movie’s actual secret weapon, not the fact that weepie-hackjob maestro Nicholas Sparks is responsible for the story. She makes even the dumbest stuff feel honest and true, even Must Love Dogs, which may point to her being some kind of occult wizard, now that I think about it. I’m leaving Untraceable out of this discussion because everyone needs a pass for at least one boneheaded move. But seriously, she could run for President eventually and she might win.
To Be Fair, It’s Not Without Its Flaws:
1. No magic time-machine mailbox outside the beachfront inn.
2. No empathy-laden talking spirits from other dimensions.
3. Currently in theaters, which makes it difficult (yet not impossible) to watch it in your pajamas.
Which Movie Would Win In A Fight, This Or The Notebook: Well okay, yes. The Notebook of course. Nothing wins against The Notebook.