Dave's Rating:

0.5

An auld acquaintance you'll want to forget.

This is a movie where people pretend that New Year's Eve is a meaningful holiday instead of an excuse to party and drive drunk. This is a movie where Hilary Swank, as an NYC public servant whose job it is to organize the Times Square ball-drop, goes on TV and vamps a heartfelt speech about just how very emotionally important New Year's Eve is. This is a movie where people all stop what they're doing to pay attention to that speech.

This is a movie where Ashton Kutcher hates New Year's Eve. Not just indifference. Actual hate. He's mad at New Year's Eve. Because why? Because who cares why, that's why. He needed a character arc for when he gets stuck in that elevator all night with Lea Michele and what else is there for them to do? Make out the whole time? On a want-to-watch-that-happen scale, those two with their tongues in each other's mouths comes just after Michael Vick dog-fighting videos.

This is a movie where Ludacris is a cop. This is a movie where Sofia Vergara stays bundled up in a winter coat. This is a movie with Katherine Heigl is an uptight caterer. This is a movie where Michelle Pfeiffer has to play frumpy, full of anxiety and nervous tics. This is a movie where Zac Efron teaches Michelle Pfeiffer to say yes to life. This is a movie where Zac Efron is a real chill bro who can inspire people to say yes to life. This is a movie where people scream their heads off for Jon Bon Jovi playing a hot contemporary rock star, like Daughtry in a Billy Ray Cyrus lady-wig. This is movie that Robert De Niro agreed to be in because lately Robert De Niro will agree to be in anything.

This is a movie that sidesteps the tricky situation that hacky director Garry Marshall found himself in during his last movie, Valentine's Day. That was the one where an equally gigantic cast all got to kiss their respective Valentine except for Eric Dane and Bradley Cooper, the revealed-at-the-last-minute-to-be-gay couple. Cooper tenderly brushed an orchid against Dane's cheek, though. That was weird. Anyway, Marshall is extremely clever in his treatment of that issue this time around. Faced with the conundrum of allowing his gay characters to kiss at midnight like everybody else, he simply elected to not have any gay characters. Problem solved.

This is a movie where Jessica Biel and Sarah Paulson compete to see who can give birth the fastest for a cash prize. This is a movie where a big goosy male nurse yells, "MAY THE BEST VA-JAY-JAY WIN!" This is a movie where a guy from New Kids On The Block gets married and is never seen again. This is a movie where Alyssa Milano shows up, says three words, then is also never seen again. This is a movie where Josh Duhamel rides a huge RV into Manhattan and finds awesome parking. This is a movie where reality is bent into a new shape and you decide not to notice. This is a movie where you get exactly what you have coming to you.

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