Who's in It: Kevin Costner, William Hurt, Demi Moore, Dane Cook
The Basics: Costner is a buttoned-down family man, box-company executive whose hobby is interrupting his daily commute to serial-kill-the-hell-out-of innocent people. Even better, he does it in that wacky, in-movies-only, supermeticulous, artful way that makes his character not only untouchable by sexy-heiresses-turned-sleuths like Moore, but also hilarious and kind of admirable.
What's the Deal? Can I add one more "even better?" How about two more? First, he gets a murder protégé in Cook (who knew a lateral move from Employee of the Month when he saw one ripe for the picking) because, you know, why not? It'll make the movie a little zanier than it already is, right? Sure it will! Then it also presents Costner's sociopathic murder rampage as an addiction, which I'm sure the people at Alcoholics Anonymous might differ with, but who cares because … just … whatever … and, look, he is sort of like a junkie if you look at it all as a metaphor. And one more "even better," and I swear this is the last one: Costner finds out that his kid has his kill-tendency DNA, and he tries to help her. So it affirms the value of family as well.
Impossible to Assign Something as Banal as a Letter Grade to Because: When you're watching something this staggering in it's terrible-itude, you want to share it. It's like seeing a UFO or a leprechaun. You want other people to see it. So when I give this film its D- because it's a really, really, really, really, really bad movie, what I'm really, really, really, really, really actually saying is that you should go see it very soon with all of your friends.
MVP: Hurt, who seems to instinctively know that he's in crap and then behaves accordingly.
From the People Who Brought You: The 1992 Christian Slater dumb-a-thon Kuffs (its tagline: When you've got attitude, who needs experience?), the barfy family film Jungle 2 Jungle and merely-ahead-of-its-time Cutthroat Island. The man's name is Bruce Evans. And then there's Costner; it's his fault, too. The only thing missing here is him singing an original song over the closing credits with Amy Grant. (He did that on The Postman, in case you thought I was just pulling any old Christian pop singer's name out of thin air.)