They lied to all of us about the vampires.

We were told that they won't come for us if we don't invite them, that we have to let them in. This is false. They show up anyway. Everywhere. They might as well leave copies of The Watchtower stuck in your door, that's how relentless and ubiquitous they are, trending and trending and trending way past the saturation/exhaustion curve.

Another vampire falsehood: their presence is like a lit match flicked at the gasoline of sex and, somehow, this is all very meaningful. Maybe back in the day this was exciting to someone. But now that you can download a bisexual True Blood orgy to your phone while you wait in line at the supermarket, it's lost some of that subversive zing.

And you'd think that if anyone could breathe new death into this scene it would be Mary Harron. She's the woman who made I Shot Andy Warhol, American Psycho and The Notorious Bettie Page -- all bold, all feminist (yes, even American Psycho in its own bizarro way) and all very strange. Her filmmaking career has been nothing if not a critique of the system. So her vampire movie won't come off like a retro scolding on the subject of chastity, right? It'll treat its setting -- among a group of young women haunted by a vampire classmate in their midst -- as something more than just the same old stuff you've seen a million times before, won't it?

Yes to the first question. No to the latter. And it'll also be a bummer, muddled and full of the usual bloodsucker bingo moments. To play just stamp your card if you have any of the following: The All-Girl Boarding School, Gossip Girl-ish Privilege, Hot-for-Teacher Makeouts with Scott Speedman, Cutting, Suicides, Apparitions, Rain Made of Blood, Rain Made of Blood Soaking a Model Wearing a Boarding School Uniform As Stand-In for Emerging Female Sexuality, Spooky Transfer Students, the Thematically Relevant Diary Entry, Jealously Possessive Friendship and any number of the following lesbian subset categories: Hairbrush Karoake As Girl-Bonding That Teeters on Lesbianism, Actual Lesbianism, the Strange Cultural Nexus Where Vampirism and Lesbianism Meet, and That Confusing Moment When You See a Teenage Girl Vampire Attacking Another Teenage Girl and It Just Sort of Looks a Lot Like Lesbian Sex and You Get Sooooo Jealous About It Because She's Yours, Bitch. But if it's elegance or eroticism you want then there's already The Hunger. If it's crazed lesbian camp then you could just watch Bloodrayne. Downbeat feminist metaphor? The Velvet Vampire. Grrl-power? The Craft (I know, I know, it's not about vampires, but witches will suffice for the purposes of this argument). There's no danger in this world of young women and sex and the undead, no new ideas, no momentum, nothing to get anyone upset. And what sort of self-respecting vampire allows that?


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