Dave White
In the Mix Review

Dave's Rating:

0.5

Your eyes will never forgive you.

Who's in It: Usher, Chazz Palminteri, Robert Davi, Emmanuelle Chriqui

The Basics: Usher is the hottest DJ in town. At a party he inadvertently saves the life of a mob boss (Palminteri). He's rewarded with a job as the bodyguard of the mobster's daughter (Chriqui). Then they fall in love. Usher and the daughter, that is.

What's the Deal? You know that frustrated wanna-take-a-blade-and-slash-the-theater-seats feeling you get when you're sitting in the worst movie ever and thinking about how you just got insanely played by some Hollywood producer? You just gave some bazillionaire 10 bucks you could have used for beer and you just sat through about 10 dumb ads and five dumber trailers (except the one for Final Destination 3, which looks pretty awesome) waiting for the movie to even start. And then it's a piece of crap on toast in which Usher gets mixed up with the mob. That's how you'll feel if you see this. In fact, that's how you'll feel if you accidentally catch this on cable someday, too. Your eyes will never forgive you.

That's-ah Spicy Meat-ah-ball-ah: Usher and Emmanuelle Chriqui fall in love at a barbecue, and here's their conversation, more or less …

Usher: Hey, Hot Italian Chick, eat this macaroni and cheese.

Chriqui: Oh, no! More pasta! That's all we Italian Mafia paisans eat all day! Wow, isn't that crazy? But we in the Italian Mafia only eat macaroni with tomato sauce and you Black Hip-Hop people sure are funny.

Usher: Golly. Here are some ribs to eat, too.

Chriqui: And listen to this amazing fact, Usher: Did you know that we Italian Mafia folks have grits, too — only they're called "polenta"?

Usher: Dang, you people in the Italian Mafia sure have funny ideas about eating!

Gay Panic 101: There's a scene in which a mob tailor — apparently Usher's character has never heard of such a thing as a tailor — is trying to fit Usher for a suit to wear as part of his new bodyguard gig, and when the guy tries to measure U's inseam, our hero gets all upset that someone's trying to touch him in the bikini area. Usher doesn't roll with measuring tape.

The Cursed Career of Emmanuelle Chriqui: Some actresses never get the good breaks. This is the poor girl who co-starred opposite 'N Sync's Lance Bass in the putrid romantic comedy On the Line. In that one, she and Lance fall in love over a shared love of reciting, in alphabetical order, the capitals of all 50 states. You think I just made that up, but I didn't.

And Speaking of On the Line: It's a better movie than this one.

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