Dave's Rating:


… useless, time-wasting …

Who's in It: Kristen Stewart, Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, John Corbett

The Basics: A family moves into a rural haunted house. Creepy stuff happens. The baby sees the monsters. Then the teenage daughter sees the monsters. Then stuff flies around. Then monsters seem like they're attacking, but they're really not. Then the real monster attacks. If you aren't completely stupid, you will figure out that monster's identity within the first 15 minutes.

What's the Deal? I've had it with these useless, time-wasting PG-13 horror movies. They churn them out one after the other. They all suck. And horror fans line up in the futile hope that this time things will be different. Be we can change things, my fellow horror nerds. We can refuse to pay them any money. That's what I did. I bought a ticket to Dreamgirls and walked into this movie instead. Viva the revolution!

My Favorite Part: The mom and dad (played by Miller (a terrible actress, FYI) and McDermott, respectively) leave the teenage daughter at home alone to babysit her mute toddler brother while they make an emergency trip to the hospital to fix Dad's injured hand. The injured hand part isn't important. What is important is that when they return they find the house surrounded by emergency vehicles, lights flashing. Instead of immediately freaking out, Miller says, deadpan, "Oh, I hope she's all right." Nice work there.

My Other Favorite Part: The teen daughter (played by Stewart, who was Jodie Foster's little tomboy daughter in Panic Room, so now you can stop scratching your head as to where you've seen her before) runs from the Terror House into the Terror Barn, where she encounters hay and farm implements and more scary stuff. Instead of running away or trying to get out, she heads straight for the freaky Grudge kid weeping in the corner.

Here's a Question I Have for the Screenwriters, and It's a Spoiler, but I Don't Care. If You Do, Then Don't Read This Part. OK, Fair Warning: Do you really believe that viewers won't wonder why the dad of this family just hires as a farmhand the first drifter to cross his property? And that drifter is clearly without a home? And he has a shotgun? And he announces his arrival by shooting that shotgun? And then they just invite him in for dinner? And then leave their teenage daughter at home alone while he's hanging around? Because I sort of picked up on that stuff.


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