Who’s In It: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges, Chris Bridges,
Chris O’ Donnell, Donal Logue
The Basics: They killed his wife and child… BIG MISTAKE! Because Max Payne will find out who they are (like half an hour after the audience has it all figured out, but still) and he will shoot slow-motion bullets at them and then they’ll be sorry. The other thing about him is that his name sort of requires him to deliver the MAX amount of PAYNE to them when he’s exacting his vengeance. Watch out, bad guys. Your PAYNE is on its way, just as soon as Mark Wahlberg delivers a snippy response to Andy Samberg of Saturday Night Live for impersonating him too well. Then he’ll get right back to you to deliver your PAYNE.
What’s The Deal: What’s comforting about this dumb movie is its commitment to the cherished traditions of lazy action-film creation. The lead is a human block of wood, the red-herrings are so blatant that you know their job is trickery from the minute they flash in front of your face, the conspiracy that unravels doesn’t even live in the same zip code as “surprise,” and the female lead is so badly written I had to go read press notes to know that her character was supposed to be an assassin. Finally, the swirly, snow-filled urban winter looks really cool in order to distract you from all of the above. It’s for people who want entertainment to do exactly what it did for them a thousand times before.
Un Film De: John Moore, the man responsible for directing that crappy Omen remake.
No Excuses: Yeah, it’s based on a video game. That shouldn’t matter. But it does. But to put it into fair perspective, in the continuum of things that are (and are not) awesome it’s better than Super Mario Brothers but not as fun as Bloodrayne. In its defense, however, few movies are as much fun as Bloodrayne, so maybe I wasn’t being that fair.
Be On The Lookout For Canadian Singer-Songwriters: Nelly “I’m Like a Bird” Furtado pops up here to do a lot of not much. But it’s work. Pop careers are never the lone basket you want to put all your eggs in. Ask Ludacris. He’s in this too.