Dave's Rating:

1.0

Just like you need another hole in your head.

Who’s In It: the voices of Seth Green, Dan Fogler, Joan Cusack, Mindy Sterling, Elisabeth Harnois

The Basics: Hey kids, I’m writing the first part of this movie review just for you, so pay attention. Here’s a secret that grownups have been keeping from you for most of your short life: You’re a stubborn brat. You can’t even be bothered to take out the trash when they ask you to interrupt your important Wii activities. So this movie is about what would happen if mean aliens from Mars kidnapped your mother and what you would have to do to save her life. Now, if your mom is already mean like a Martian or a drunk or something, then this review is not for you and you can go on about your business. You deserve whatever happiness you can get. But for the rest of you…

What’s The Deal: Here’s what you have to do if you actually love your mom, dad or whatever nice adult is buying your groceries and toys—don’t make them take you to see this movie. It’ll ruin their day. You’ll have a fine time watching it because it’s a cartoon and you like cartoons and the people who made it have decided that the whole thing should look like you’re heading down a waterslide face-first, but your adult guardian will be grouchy and bored. So get that grownup to put it in their Netflix list and then, the next time they have “date night” (an event that is also totally your fault) you can watch this with the babysitter. They get paid to do that kind of thing.

Actual Moms (Or Dads) May Now Resume Reading: Though not directed by Robert Zemeckis (the evil performance-capture devotee who inflicted The Polar Express and the Jim Carrey version of A Christmas Carol on the world) he did produce it, and on top of its main crime of being unimaginative and cobbled together from chunks of other movies, it ices its fallen failure cake with that same creeped-out, dead-soul facsimile human being quality of those earlier endeavors. Take, for example, the presence of Joan Cusack as the kidnapped mom. Now imagine what would happen if you made a cartoon version of her and injected sixty pounds of Botox into her face and then let those crows from Dumbo peck out her eyes. This is what she’d look like, a person you’d run screaming from instead of traveling to Mars to save.

And Another Thing: If this is showing in a theater where they’re trying to foist that XpanD 3D on you—that’s the one with the heavy red wraparound glasses that feel like a vise on your skull—then just back away from the box office slowly. Those things darken the screen so much it’s like wearing sunglasses.

The Lone Moment Of Genuine Human Emotion: Technically this counts as a spoiler, but if you’re the kind of person who gets upset over spoilers for a movie called Mars Needs Moms, then you have other problems that are too big for me to help you with. Anyway, there’s a scene close to the end where our young hero believes that his mom is suffocating to death on Mars’s anti-oxygen atmosphere and he holds her while crying, “Don’t leave me!” It’s shocking to watch because nothing up to that point is about real people at all, but you’d have to be frozen inside not to get a little choked up over it.

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Comments (8)

Moviedad - 3-14-2011 12:43 AM
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um i actually liked that movie and my wife made a comment about if she is snoring louder then the movie wake her up if not let her sleep and she stayed up and enjoyed the movie. My daughter who is 4 years old since dec actually tuned into the whole movie instead of having us walk out halfway. Your reviews suck.

E. Rowe - 3-14-2011 11:40 AM
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First of all great word to the kids. I watched the an enjoy it. I like cartoon movie. My first problem with the movie is the fact Disney made the movie. Aaaaahhhhh the movie is very very sexist and call men thy useless and dumb as box of rocks. Rocks - what de he'll. That is very good comedy. As I always enjoy the credit going up and the behind the movie activities. As I watched - now USA - lily white heaven not even one minority in tje cast r event assisting the lily- white cast. This voice over people. The nationality is not important - give all of us a chance. Disney need to cut this foolishness - it is 2011.

Michael - 3-15-2011 3:09 PM
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What de he'll

David Crammer - 3-15-2011 5:25 PM
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Count me as an adult who enjoyed. I did see it in 2D because after Avatar I have yet to see another one worth the extra exspence.

Brian - 3-18-2011 11:05 PM
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So I almost backed out seeing this movie with my five year-old because of this bitter dude's review. I'll keep it brief for those who don't like to read: >> THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE << Go see it with the kids. You'll have fun. It won't be winning an Academy Award, but it certainly didn't deserve one star. There is even a touching part at the end that could get to you, especially if you're the type that teared up at the end of Toy Story 3. Not that I would know what that's like... To Dave: Listen man, not every film can be akin to an epic Greek tragedy. Especially one meant for kids. Try to put a bit of perspective in your reviews with consideration of the target audience. Ya think?

Mike - 3-26-2011 10:22 PM
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Well, Dave, I usually agree with your assessments, but on this one you were so far off it is kind of hard to figure out. I took my 7 year old to this today, and I actually mentioned to him that maybe we should see something else, but he said we'd like it even if it got bad reviews. I'm glad I listened to him, and that I have such a smart kid. The only thing to say about this movie is that every single word Dave said about it is absolutely wrong. I think you must've been constipated, hadn't slept for 3 days and had to babysit someone's really poorly behaved kid when you saw this movie to make you say such things about it. My son and I enjoyed every minute of it - it was well made, had a good story and a good message. Four stars.

Sheila - 3-29-2011 12:33 AM
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This movie looks like it sucks. Actually there have been reports of people leaving the theater with their kids because the "scary eyes" were making them cry. I would also like to comment on the people who said they liked this movie Moviedad and Rowe, you both have terrible grammar and need to learn to spell, which makes me question your movie judgement. I would also like to point out that this movie was 10th in the box office this weekend with just over 2 Billion. Disney shut down the studio that makes these movies because it is an enormous waste of time and money to make movies that scare children.

Scott A - 4-03-2011 2:31 PM
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Moviedad's comments: You shouldn't read reviews to movies that you like when other people don't like them. Professional movie reviewers are skeptical of any movie they watch. They already hate it before they watch it (unless they like the star or something, then they have a bit of an open mind...but not much of one). As long as you have an open-mind when watching a movie, you're the best movie critic out there. Only trust yourself and don't read these type of reviews like Dave has done because they will only make you angry. Sheila: If you're going to talk about other people's grammar, maybe you shouldn't write the movie was "10th in the box office for the weekend with just over 2 Billion". Any movie company would kill for a movie

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