Who's in It: John Travolta, James Gandolfini, Salma Hayek, Jared Leto, Laura Dern, Scott Caan
The Basics: Back in the 1940s, Martha Beck and Ray Fernandez (two people who looked nothing like Hayek and Leto, but if they'd cast fugly people, you'd have 1970s The Honeymoon Killers, one of two other versions of this true story) went on a killing spree for cash and kicks. But the real story here is of the grief-stricken detective who finally busts them. In other words, just when you think it's going to get fun and murder-y and really let loose, the law comes along and throws a bucket of tedious conscience over everything.
What's the Deal? No one debates the historical despicability of real-life serial murderers. But if you're going to make a movie that about them, then you should pick a side. Don't wring your hands over it and then make them look crazy-cool at the same time. Take Bonnie & Clyde. That one gives itself over to their glamour and makes them look almost like folk heroes, never wasting a tear over their victims. Then they bite it at the end in a spray of bullets so you don't have to feel guilty about digging their sin. But this one wants it both ways — wants you to salivate over Hayek as this red-hot femme fatale who acts like she'd enjoy bathing in the blood of her victims, but then you have Travolta grimacing his way to Bummer Town, reminding you that senseless death isn't as awesome as the movies like to pretend it is. And who needs that?
Who Earns Their Paycheck: Hayek, for one scene that makes the whole movie. She bludgeons a woman to death with a hammer while that woman is … how do you say … "with" Leto. Then she shoves the not-quite-dead, but the still-convulsing-and-spraying-blood-everywhere woman over, climbs on top of Leto and helps him "finish," all the while slapping him in the face with his own toupee that she's just yanked from his head. Now that's acting. Meanwhile, Dern almost convinces you that you should take this whole thing as seriously as it takes itself. She can almost do no wrong lately — from Year of the Dog to Inland Empire, even when she's got a small role in something no one saw like The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio.
Who Doesn't and/or Isn't Even Trying: All I can say is that Hairspray better be incredible and give Travolta that second career-resuscitation he needs. Because his movies may still rake in the cash, but he's become the laziest actor alive, seemingly believing Oprah when she tells him how wonderful he is and thinking that not smiling is the same as communicating sorrow.
Director Cred: Director Todd Robinson's grandfather is Elmer Robinson, the character Travolta plays. It's definitely a tribute to his grandfather and not meant to be trashy or lurid, but he can't seem to get his tone game together.