Dave White
Legion Review

Dave's Rating:


God hates you. Sorry.

Who's In It: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, Adrianne Palicki, Charles S. Dutton, Kevin Durand, Jon Tenney, Willa Holland, Kate Walsh, Dennis Quaid

The Basics: God is pretty upset with everything and everyone and decides, on this very special Christmas, to send murderous angels and possessed monster-people to exterminate humanity. (At the beginning, a prophetic lady says that God is simply "tired of all the bull$#*!.") And not just any exterminating angels either. These are demons disguised as kindly grannies who use the "C" word and stabby murder-children who will carve you like a turkey. Meanwhile, the angel Michael has turned on God and comes to Earth to try to save those who ask for it by name. So yeah, not exactly what you were promised in the Bible, really, but this is Hollywood's super-occult version of Revelation and who are you to tell them they're wrong?

What's The Deal: I really enjoyed this stupid movie. And that's because even though it makes almost no sense for a good chunk of its running time, it moves fast, keeps the action exciting, takes out major characters with no regard for how much you may like them, and plays fast and loose with all kinds of religious thought, so it's guaranteed to offend just about anyone with an opinion on the subject. There are also some pretty cool examples of exploding guts and a Terminator-like sequel setup.

By The Way, It's Also A Nativity Story: One of the plotlines involves a waitress who's eight months pregnant with an absent, unknown father, another guy who's devoted to her anyway and a fetus who is basically Jesus, Part 2. Unfortunately, this second-second coming is the target of a deity that really believes in abortion. If you can imagine Mary and Joseph stumbling into the Dawn of the Dead shopping mall then you're on the right track.

Why Dennis Quaid Is In This Movie: Who knows, but it makes a trilogy of no-brainer check-cashing roles that began with Pandorum and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and hopefully will end here.

Unexpected MVP: Tyrese Gibson, who's normally responsible for sucking the life out of most of the films he's in, gets all the fun dialogue like, "You're asking me to explain the behavior of a mother_______ pestilence?!"


Comments (2)

rulierose - 11-13-2011 3:58 PM
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I really liked this stupid movie too, partially for the desert vibe ("Paradise Falls" diner crumbling in the sunset), which also explains why I liked "Route 666."

Legion Region - 1-13-2013 8:18 AM
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This movie could be better if there are no men in WINGS!! That man in wings holding a sharp 'club' crying and hugging the other man in WINGS and I was hoping them to kiss like in Brokeback Mountain but they did not! Indeed a stupid confusing silly movie!

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