After this movie is released the way we mark time will forever change. There will only be Before Joyful Noise and After Joyful Noise. No other calendar system will have meaning. And there will be only those who love and those who hate, no middle ground on which to stand.

You'll love Joyful Noise if:

*You believe all church choir robes should be cinched in just below the gigantic breast area for maximum cartoon boob presentation.

*You believe all church choirs should stop singing actual gospel music and become more like the kids from Gleeand the nuns from Sister Act, turning pop songs into vague tributes to an even more vague interdenominational deity.

*You can't wait to hear Usher's "Yeah!" with changed-up lyrics that announce "God and I are the best of homies."

*You are one of the millions of easygoing Evangelical Christians who don't mind a comedy in which one of the running gags involves an unmarried female choir member who sexes men to death like Madonna in Body of Evidence.

*You saw Burlesque and enjoyed yourself.

*You saw Burlesque and enjoyed yourself but thought that it was maybe a touch too realistic, that maybe all films would be better off if they felt like they were beamed in from the moon.

*You were hoping Dolly Parton would return to the big screen in a movie where she gets top billing but essentially plays a supporting character whose job it is to run around with a shotgun, throw biscuits at Queen Latifah, pretend like the teenagers in the movie are the most fascinating creatures she's ever encountered, sing backup for those same teenagers, and then waltz around warbling a duet with the ghost of Kris Kristofferson, a character whose time in the afterlife seems to have involved the equivalent number of face-augmenting procedures enjoyed by Dolly herself.

*You think Queen Latifah can bend time and space so that it takes her choir only three days to travel cross-country in a school bus.

*You enjoy a really progressive relationship with film logic and enjoy movies that could literally go off in any direction because not one single moment feels connected to the scene that immediately preceded or follows it. One minute Queen Latifah is unhappy with her absentee Army husband, the next she's slapping her daughter's face. Did we see either of these events coming? Do we know how these issues will be resolved? And do we care? No, we don't. We're citizens of the future and nothing there has to make sense.

And you'll hate Joyful Noise if:

*You are anybody else.


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