Who's in It:
Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Claire Forlani, Leelee Sobieski, Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman, Matthew Lillard
The Basics: That guy who's the Transporter is a turnip farmer who becomes a gladiator and has to battle an evil wizard (Liotta) who's bent on taking over the land of Eh from the king, played by a really grumpy-looking Reynolds. (Or maybe it's the land of Ehb. When people say the name, they're usually shouting, and it sounds like they're saying, "IN THE NAME OF EHHH!" I hope that's the name.) The king's got an evil nephew in cahoots with the evil wizard who wants the throne, but then it turns out that the turnip farmer is the king's long-lost heir, so then everyone has to fight the turnip farmer.
What's the Deal? The deal is that it sucks, but it's also awesome. Those two things can co-exist sometimes, and they do here in a very big way. My "D" grade is the kind of "D" that also means "A." But first, I have to tell you more plot: Liotta lives in a big, swirly alter-dimension of cotton candy and mind controls some mud-covered Sleestaks that are basically a 99-cent store version of Orcs. He throws his hand, and they do his bidding. So the Transporter has to fight the Orcs and Lillard, and he does this with the help of fellow peasants, the King's army, some ninjas and a band of lesbian, vine-swinging, lady-Tarzan wood nymphs. And Sobieski.
What Else This Has in Common With The Lord of the Rings, Besides Everything: John Rhys-Davies, who was in LOTR and must have just silently laughed to himself during the production of this one.
Unanswered Questions the Filmmaker, Uwe Boll, Chooses to Shroud in a Middle-Earth-Like Mist of Ambiguity: How does Reynolds have a child with a British accent? Why don't the other peasants have British accents? Why does Sobieski's handmaiden sound like she's from Finland? Where did the ninjas come from? How is it that the Transporter can suddenly fly? Why does Liotta's contract not specifically deny the use of close-ups on his weird stretchy face? Why is there a credit for "teeth" in the closing crawl? Where can I hear more from the epic metal band Hammerfall, who sing the final song of the film? Will any other movie ever be as amazing as this one?